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How often do you get invited to things
Every day 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Few times a week 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Every week 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Few times a month 11%  11%  [ 2 ]
Every month 5%  5%  [ 1 ]
Few times a year 21%  21%  [ 4 ]
Once a year 11%  11%  [ 2 ]
Once in few years 32%  32%  [ 6 ]
Never 21%  21%  [ 4 ]
Total votes : 19

klanka
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24 Jul 2022, 3:19 pm

Jakki wrote:
If I did not read threads like this , I try to let this situation go un noticed in my normal life .
Used sometimes to dwell on it long ago and just want to sit down and cry…but the net has been a great help these last few years .

Damn, that's depressing.

I've been going to church for 17 years and only found acquaintances. I've just had a mini meltdown because it's caught up with me. I've been invited to go to movies and get coffee but the other person (male) might just be doing it cos they know i need a friend... because there's no follow through or longevity.
They're doing it for their Christian duty but then it's not sincere.
Well, I did get talking to one young man who is doing it out of sincerity but due to the age difference it might not last long. We both like talking about Vidya, but after 17 years I can't be hopeful.
A woman just invited me to a social event but didn't turn up herself...I think that has contributed to this mood I'm in.



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24 Jul 2022, 3:33 pm

klanka wrote:
A woman just invited me to a social event but didn't turn up herself...I think that has contributed to this mood I'm in.


That reminds me of a woman who invited me to "young at heart" event and *either* I misunderstood the place+time OR she didn't turn up.

So she was new to the church, it was her second time. She happened to have invited her mother this time -- but normally her mother can't come since she is too far away. She is hispanic woman (but I assumed she was white until she told me her actual race), who was somewhere between 30 and 35. I don't remember which one. She was the one who initiated the conversation with me. Actually the first time she initiated I didn't reciprocate cause my mind was elsewhere and I felt bad about it, and then the next time I tried to initiate one myself and apologize for ignoring her the previous time. During the end of the conversation she said she was in "sober living" and quit doing drugs few months ago. I didn't know it until she said it, otherwise I wouldn't have talked to her. But I figured that something is better than nothing, at least someone invited me, so I will come.

In any case, she invited me to "young at heart" event. Like I mentioned, she is 30, so I am not sure why she likes young at heart events, but she said she did. In any case, she said there was some event all day long and we kinda both talked about what time is the best and decided upon 5 pm, closer to the ending. I came at 5 pm. They said I came too early. The concert starts at 6 pm. But wait a second, I thought she said it is supposed to end at 6 pm? In any case, nobody was there. I came for a concert at 6 pm, hoping she would find me. This never happened. Then after the concert when it was late, I was stranded trying to find my way home (I don't drive).

I wanted to confront her next time in church about it. I haven't seen her in the church again. Now, I am not coming regularly either so I can't know whether she was or wasn't there during the times that I wasn't. But at least at the times I came, she wasn't there. Like I mentioned, when we talked it was her second time at the church. So maybe she figured out she didn't like that church or something. In any case, I really wish to run into her so that I could find out exactly what happened.



klanka
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24 Jul 2022, 3:55 pm

It might be that they are feeling it in the moment but after thinking about it change their mind.



Last edited by klanka on 24 Jul 2022, 5:59 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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24 Jul 2022, 3:57 pm

QFT wrote:
KitLily wrote:
When I was young I was invited places however.


That makes the difference between your situation and mine. I haven't been invited when I was young, either.

You see, in your case, you didn't miss out on anything NT-s have. NT-s socialize when they are young and stop socializing when they are old. You did the same, on both accounts. But in my case, I missed out on something NT-s have: NT-s socialize when they are young, and I didn't. Thats why I want to socialize when I am old to make up for it, yet I can't due to my age.


That is very sad and I'm very sorry you didn't get any socialising when young. I'm not sure which is worse! Never having any socialising or having a good social life then suddenly being hated and excluded.

No, NTs don't stop socialising when they are old. I see groups of middle aged or elderly friends everywhere, people who have known each other since childhood. Long standing friends who know each other very well and have been through everything together- school, dating, marriage, babies, widowhood etc. My mum and friends were socialising til they were in their 70s too.

I want what everyone else has. It's not fair that everyone else has a nice group of friends and I have none.

e.g. I am married but had no friends to give me a hen party. I have a baby but had no friends to give me a baby shower. I have never been a bridesmaid. All those events that everyone else has but I never got.

QFT wrote:
KitLily wrote:
That was pre-2001. Long before The Internet took over.


Some other people also told me that internet could be part of it. But I am not buying it. Because when I walk around, I see people socializing in person. If everyone were to just stare into their laptops, then I won't be complaining. The whole point of my complaining is that I see people socializing IN PERSON with each other, just not with me.

Or are you saying they all met each other through the internet somehow and then took it in person later?


Yes, I see people socialising in person too. I'm guessing they made friends long ago and kept in touch, before the internet came along to divide us.

I didn't make such friends long ago, so now I have no real friends. Just a few internet friends. I'd love some real life friends, but it's not happening.

I think people don't socialise as much because they are now accustomed to being entertained by their devices, which are more entertaining than real people. So humans are drifting apart. Pre internet, people HAD to speak to each other and entertain each other.

It's a sad state of affairs.


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24 Jul 2022, 4:02 pm

KitLily wrote:
Yes, I see people socialising in person too. I'm guessing they made friends long ago and kept in touch, before the internet came along to divide us.


Then what about people in their 20-s socializing with each other? Are you saying they became friends at high school? Its hard to believe, since after high school they all went to different colleges possibly far away from each other. Yet I see college kids socializing with each other.



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24 Jul 2022, 4:03 pm

I'm also wondering if I'm old fashioned expecting to be 'formally invited'. Maybe I should just say 'hey that sounds like fun! Where is it, I'll come along too?' when I overhear events being planned! Because people are ALWAYS planning events in front of me and inviting each other, but I'm apparently invisible and don't get asked. :roll: :lol:


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24 Jul 2022, 4:05 pm

QFT wrote:
KitLily wrote:
Yes, I see people socialising in person too. I'm guessing they made friends long ago and kept in touch, before the internet came along to divide us.


Then what about people in their 20-s socializing with each other? Are you saying they became friends at high school? Its hard to believe, since after high school they all went to different colleges possibly far away from each other. Yet I see college kids socializing with each other.


Yes, I made friends at high school and we kept in touch when we went off to university. In those days it was hard to keep in touch too. Long phone calls and long letters, there was no internet back then...Happy days, where did they go...

They were some of the best friends I ever had. WTF happened to them eh...I should have made a huge effort to keep in touch shouldn't I...Ho hum.


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24 Jul 2022, 4:08 pm

KitLily wrote:
Yes, I made friends at high school and we kept in touch when we went off to university. In those days it was hard to keep in touch too. Long phone calls and long letters,


But you see, I am not complaining about people talking to each other on a phone. I am complaining about them talking to each other in person. So if I see two college kids talking to each other in person, do you think they went to the same high school, or not?

If yes, its hard to believe since most people go to college across the country, so how did they end up at the same college?

If no, then how did they become friends, if you are saying that nobody makes new friends any more due to the internet?



klanka
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24 Jul 2022, 4:10 pm

They make friends in the first few weeks of college



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24 Jul 2022, 4:12 pm

QFT wrote:
KitLily wrote:
Yes, I made friends at high school and we kept in touch when we went off to university. In those days it was hard to keep in touch too. Long phone calls and long letters,


But you see, I am not complaining about people talking to each other on a phone. I am complaining about them talking to each other in person. So if I see two college kids talking to each other in person, do you think they went to the same high school, or not?

If yes, its hard to believe since most people go to college across the country, so how did they end up at the same college?

If no, then how did they become friends, if you are saying that nobody makes new friends any more due to the internet?


No, I was just saying that we had to make a huge effort to keep in touch in the 80s and 90s, like phoning or letter writing. There was no easy Facebook or texting. So we must have cared a lot.

I've no idea what the rest of your comment means, I'm totally confused now.


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24 Jul 2022, 4:22 pm

klanka wrote:
They make friends in the first few weeks of college


Exactly. So each time new school year starts I hope to make new friends. Yet it doesn't happen.

I did come to realize a few things that didn't occur to me before. I always preferred to be as far from my office as possible since I don't like to be trapped in one place. When I thought of "friends" I never thought of my officemates: why would I, if they are male? But few years ago I realized it was a big mistake. In fact, back in Mississippi, both my officemates, as well as my professor and his colleague were wondering why I don't go to lunch with them, and why I am usually not in my office. I went to lunch with them a total of like 5 times or so. And guess what: my professor invited me to a dinner to a restaurant where he introduced me to a female professor. I didn't think much of it because anything that relates to my professor is in a totally separate part of a brain than anything that relates to socialization. But now looking back I am wondering: what could have happened if instead of coming to the lunch with them 5 times, I were to go every day like they wanted? I guess its too late to think about it since I am not in Mississippi any more.

Now, when I realized here in New Mexico that it was a mistake that I wasn't spending time in the office was when a certain black guy who was my officemate told me about it in the answer to my question. So then I decided to study in my office. As it happened, when I made that decision the black guy have left (probably graduated or whatever) and white girl came instead. But then something else happened between me and the white girl that we didn't get along (see here viewtopic.php?t=379696 ) so I stopped coming to the office for that reason. Actually I complained to some Vietnamese girl about it and she tried to talk to white girl on my behalf and then passed to me that she would talk to me if I were to start coming to my office. But that was the exact reason that I chose not to come since I didn't want pity friendship. I did, however, started coming two years after that -- mainly to hold office hours. And no she doesn't talk to me.

In any case, this coming fall I will teach in community college so I will have two offices. One at the university as a graduate student and the other at the community college. So since at the university it seems too little too late (unless they change my officemate or something) do you think I should spend as much time as possible at the community college office and make friends this way?

But in any case, back to your point. Is it REALLY all about office? Because undergraduates don't have office yet they still make friends.



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24 Jul 2022, 4:27 pm

KitLily wrote:
I've no idea what the rest of your comment means, I'm totally confused now.


Okay let me recap:

Me: Why don't people talk to me?

You: Because the internet took over

Me: If the internet took over, why do they still talk to each other?

You: They talk to each other because they made friends with each other a long time ago, before the internet came around

Me: Then what about college kids? Did they make friends with each other in high school? Its hard to believe: they went to different high schools after they gradated

You: We kept in touch over the phone back in the 80s

Me: I am not talking about kids in the 80s, I am talking about the ones today. According to your theory, the only two ways people talk to each other today are

a) Through the internet

b) Because they made friends in the past

But when I see college kids talk to each other in person, it doesn't seem like either of the two. Its not through the internet, because they are in person. And its not from the past, because its very unlikely they were in the same high school before they went to the same college. So if it is neither "a" nor "b" then it seems like they got to know each other in a normal way, here in college. Yet I don't have that privilege.



klanka
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24 Jul 2022, 6:04 pm

QFT wrote:
ess they change my officemate or something) do you think I should spend as much time as possible at the community college office and make friends this way?

But in any case, back to your point. Is it REALLY all about office? Because undergraduates don't have office yet they still make friends.


Sounds like a good plan for you, the undergraduates are probably more social so what works for them is different.



QFT
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24 Jul 2022, 6:07 pm

klanka wrote:
QFT wrote:
ess they change my officemate or something) do you think I should spend as much time as possible at the community college office and make friends this way?

But in any case, back to your point. Is it REALLY all about office? Because undergraduates don't have office yet they still make friends.


Sounds like a good plan for you, the undergraduates are probably more social so what works for them is different.


What constitutes more social? Is it that

a) They want to socialize more

b) Others want to socialize more with them

If it is "a", then you saw how much I wanted to socialize. So why doesn't this get me friends?

If it is "b", then we are back to my original question: why don't others want to socialize with me?



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24 Jul 2022, 6:12 pm

QFT wrote:
What constitutes more social? Is it that

a) They want to socialize more

b) Others want to socialize more with them

If it is "a", then you saw how much I wanted to socialize. So why doesn't this get me friends?

If it is "b", then we are back to my original question: why don't others want to socialize with me?
a. Merely wanting something does not get it for you.

b. Without knowing you personally, this question may not be answerable.



Last edited by Fnord on 24 Jul 2022, 6:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

klanka
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24 Jul 2022, 6:13 pm

I meant the undergrad probably has better social skills. I worded it badly.

I'm in a similar boat to you so I can't say exactly why you don't have friends, or i'd not be in a similar situation.



Last edited by klanka on 24 Jul 2022, 6:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.