Masking well until you have a meltdown

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Joe90
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16 Jul 2022, 4:45 am

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I was surprised to see that from a female poster. Is "man up" in this situation a shorthand way of saying to toughen up or something?


Yes it means toughen up. I've never been told to man up before though. I suppose I was just using it because I couldn't think of another alternative. :lol:


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16 Jul 2022, 6:56 am

Nic na Mara wrote:
Unfortunately, it looks like this heartless behavior of NT's is everywhere. I'm travelling through Europe and observe it in every country.

The society of NT's is getting too much for me and I need a break to fill up my energy, but nobody respect it, means, it's not allowed to leave the dinner table or, if I leave the table, the big Ego take it personally and they start to exclude me. Then I get a meltdown. I'm getting angry first and later crying alone.

If I'm sad and looking for help and support or just a moment of attention and understanding for my worries, most of NT's rush along, because they are busy and have no interest in my feelings. No wonder, that the second meltdown follows.

I observed the emotional episodes of NT's and how other people took care about them in crisis time.
And I was wondering my whole life: Why are they allowed to do that and me not? Why do they act like my feelings don't matter and they are insignificant, but I must always be considerate of them. That's so unfair!


How many people here can truly say they have gotten any understanding from them? Acceptance is probably more likely, but I've yet to see that too.


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16 Jul 2022, 7:52 am

KitLily wrote:
People really need education in how to deal with emotions, don't they. Their own and other people's. Don't take other people's emotions personally, it just shows they need help, it's not a personal attack on you.

From what I've seen of Italians and Spaniards, they don't turn a hair if someone has a meltdown, they just take it in their stride.

Maybe it's an English thing to be hopeless with emotions. Keep calm and carry on. Stiff upper lip. And all that nonsense. :roll:

I think you are right about the attitude that many British people have towards showing emotions. I have heard that a lot.


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16 Jul 2022, 7:52 am

I don't have meltdowns in the traditional sense. To be honest I'm not too sure what one would look like.

What I do do is this growling noise. Like if I'm doing something and I'm getting frustrated I start growling.


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16 Jul 2022, 7:54 am

Nic na Mara wrote:
Unfortunately, it looks like this heartless behavior of NT's is everywhere. I'm travelling through Europe and observe it in every country.

The society of NT's is getting too much for me and I need a break to fill up my energy, but nobody respect it, means, it's not allowed to leave the dinner table or, if I leave the table, the big Ego take it personally and they start to exclude me. Then I get a meltdown. I'm getting angry first and later crying alone.

If I'm sad and looking for help and support or just a moment of attention and understanding for my worries, most of NT's rush along, because they are busy and have no interest in my feelings. No wonder, that the second meltdown follows.

I observed the emotional episodes of NT's and how other people took care about them in crisis time.
And I was wondering my whole life: Why are they allowed to do that and me not? Why do they act like my feelings don't matter and they are insignificant, but I must always be considerate of them. That's so unfair!
I have noticed that most nts that I personally know are incredibly hypocritical. They don't even realize that they are. It really is extremely unfair.


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16 Jul 2022, 7:59 am

Nic na Mara wrote:
It's really unfair. People seem to care about NTs' feelings but not ours.

Advice is given to always reach out for help, but when I do so, people either say 'you think you've got it bad, well I've got it worse.' Or just stare blankly, not understanding.

It's confusing and weird.


EXACTLY!
People are in an ego competition these days.
"I'm worse than you." means "The world doesn't revolve around you, but around ME."

Or another often-heard saying speech: "Other people are much worse off than you."
Should I feel better now or even worse with guilt and so on? The ruthless devaluing and trivializing of the feelings of others seems to be a specialty of NT's.

I was looking for help until I had enough to hear from other people, who promised to help me in emergency cases:
"Is it really important? I'm quite busy this week. Can we talk another time?"
Reply - in my head, not in real: "No, it's not important, it's just me and my insignificant problems. I took enough time from myself to help you. Now it's my turn! But okay, I can wait a week with my sadness and anger or what ever happened to me."

At some point I can no longer swallow it - meltdown!
What we need are compassionate people, but where do we get that from?
Yes to this^^


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16 Jul 2022, 8:02 am

KitLily wrote:
skibum wrote:
I carry homemade Autism cards in my wallet. You might want to have one in your pocket. You can write on it that you are Autistic and overwhelmed and that is why you are screaming and that you need help. You can also write what things can be helpful to you. That way you can just hand it to someone who sees you meltdown and they will be able to help you.


That's a good idea. I wonder if it would work for me. I suspect it might make them run away screaming but I could try.
They must think you are demon possessed or something. What century are they living in?


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16 Jul 2022, 9:58 am

babybird wrote:
I don't have meltdowns in the traditional sense. To be honest I'm not too sure what one would look like.

What I do do is this growling noise. Like if I'm doing something and I'm getting frustrated I start growling.


I do that sometimes too, like a Marge Simpson noise. That freaks people out too, they jump and startle.


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16 Jul 2022, 10:01 am

skibum wrote:
I think you are right about the attitude that many British people have towards showing emotions. I have heard that a lot.


Yes, it's prevalent. They are shocked when someone shows an emotion and often ask why e.g. 'why are you so emotional after you won that competition?'

A friend said to me the other day that she wondered why I was in floods of tears after the very long, emotional year I've had, being the strong one holding my family together through thick and thin. She assumed I'd be happy and joyful, she couldn't understand why all the emotions burst out and made me cry. I told her it was normal to be tearful after having to be strong for so long and bottle it up.

It's like they just don't understand any emotion unless they are feeling the same one at precisely the same moment :shrug:


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16 Jul 2022, 10:11 am

KitLily wrote:
skibum wrote:
I think you are right about the attitude that many British people have towards showing emotions. I have heard that a lot.


Yes, it's prevalent. They are shocked when someone shows an emotion and often ask why e.g. 'why are you so emotional after you won that competition?'

A friend said to me the other day that she wondered why I was in floods of tears after the very long, emotional year I've had, being the strong one holding my family together through thick and thin. She assumed I'd be happy and joyful, she couldn't understand why all the emotions burst out and made me cry. I told her it was normal to be tearful after having to be strong for so long and bottle it up.

It's like they just don't understand any emotion unless they are feeling the same one at precisely the same moment :shrug:

That is so odd. They would find me peculiar indeed since I am incredibly emotional and have no ability to hide it.


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16 Jul 2022, 10:29 am

skibum wrote:
That is so odd. They would find me peculiar indeed since I am incredibly emotional and have no ability to hide it.


They are hopeless with emotions. e.g. when I lost my dad in the 1980s I was not allowed to show any emotion because that was 'attention seeking' 'making other people upset' etc. So it was fine for me, a teenage girl, to be upset but not other people???

People are more sympathetic nowadays when I tell them that. And they are much more sympathetic to my daughter's emotions at school now, 40 years later.


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16 Jul 2022, 10:41 am

KitLily wrote:
skibum wrote:
That is so odd. They would find me peculiar indeed since I am incredibly emotional and have no ability to hide it.


They are hopeless with emotions. e.g. when I lost my dad in the 1980s I was not allowed to show any emotion because that was 'attention seeking' 'making other people upset' etc. So it was fine for me, a teenage girl, to be upset but not other people???

People are more sympathetic nowadays when I tell them that. And they are much more sympathetic to my daughter's emotions at school now, 40 years later.

WOW! That's crazy!! I am so glad it's starting to improve.


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16 Jul 2022, 11:03 am

skibum wrote:
KitLily wrote:
They are hopeless with emotions. e.g. when I lost my dad in the 1980s I was not allowed to show any emotion because that was 'attention seeking' 'making other people upset' etc. So it was fine for me, a teenage girl, to be upset but not other people???

People are more sympathetic nowadays when I tell them that. And they are much more sympathetic to my daughter's emotions at school now, 40 years later.

WOW! That's crazy!! I am so glad it's starting to improve.


Where do you live, roughly? America?

Yes, when my dad died I didn't get any help or counselling. Any type of counselling was for 'crazy people' and mocked. It's only in the 21st century that British people have had any tolerance of counselling. It was seen as 'something Americans had' but we Brits were tougher than that, we had to keep a stiff upper lip, keep calm and carry on. :roll:

If you have a problem in Britain, people generally say 'stop moaning. Other people have it worse, so count yourself lucky.'

So when my daughter had emotional problems and school problems, I took up every offer of help for her, I got some counselling for her, I didn't want her to suffer like I had. And she's happier for it.

I've noticed online that Americans are much, much better at being sympathetic and kind when it comes to problems. Far ahead of Brits. A British friend who had cancer pointed this out, she said how glad she was to have American friends when she was diagnosed, they were so much nicer about it.


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16 Jul 2022, 11:18 am

For years crying or getting upset was bad for me to do, not just getting angry. When I was a kid and cried, my mom would yell at me and punish me. Which made me cry even more. Unless I got physically hurt or whatever. I have very rarely seen my own mother cry. When my brother and I were kids we got a letter which was supposed to be from Santa Claus under the tree on Christmas morning, saying I needed to "play outside more" and "cry less". Of course my mother doesn't remember this so when I told her not long ago she was pretty shocked. She's gotten softer in her old age. :)

Since women aren't supposed to be as aggressive as men people still think it's not feminine to get angry. Which is strange, since lately it seems like if women do anything even remotely feminine, its sexist even if they like doing it.



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16 Jul 2022, 12:09 pm

KitLily wrote:
skibum wrote:
KitLily wrote:
They are hopeless with emotions. e.g. when I lost my dad in the 1980s I was not allowed to show any emotion because that was 'attention seeking' 'making other people upset' etc. So it was fine for me, a teenage girl, to be upset but not other people???

People are more sympathetic nowadays when I tell them that. And they are much more sympathetic to my daughter's emotions at school now, 40 years later.

WOW! That's crazy!! I am so glad it's starting to improve.


Where do you live, roughly? America?

Yes, when my dad died I didn't get any help or counselling. Any type of counselling was for 'crazy people' and mocked. It's only in the 21st century that British people have had any tolerance of counselling. It was seen as 'something Americans had' but we Brits were tougher than that, we had to keep a stiff upper lip, keep calm and carry on. :roll:

If you have a problem in Britain, people generally say 'stop moaning. Other people have it worse, so count yourself lucky.'

So when my daughter had emotional problems and school problems, I took up every offer of help for her, I got some counselling for her, I didn't want her to suffer like I had. And she's happier for it.

I've noticed online that Americans are much, much better at being sympathetic and kind when it comes to problems. Far ahead of Brits. A British friend who had cancer pointed this out, she said how glad she was to have American friends when she was diagnosed, they were so much nicer about it.
You are correct. I do live in the US! We are very different here from the British in the sense that we are much more open about emotions. It's even accepted for a man to cry in public now.


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17 Jul 2022, 3:38 am

skibum wrote:
You are correct. I do live in the US! We are very different here from the British in the sense that we are much more open about emotions. It's even accepted for a man to cry in public now.


I'm glad you said that. Other Americans I know online say 'Americans are hopeless at talking about emotions.' But if they knew how hopeless the British are, they'd change their tune. lol.

That's good if men can cry in public. It's so unfair that men aren't allowed to show sadness. The only 'acceptable' emotion for men is anger. At least in Britain. I think this is very unhealthy and leads to much of the violence and drug taking to numb the pain. And of course, suicidal men.

All people should be allowed to show whatever emotion they want (unless it is actually hurting others of course, like hitting them) We badly need emotional education in Britain.

My daughter's school is sooooo much better at dealing with emotions. Hopefully the younger generation are growing up more emotionally aware.


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