Masking well until you have a meltdown

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PassingThrough
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17 Jul 2022, 9:32 am

KitLily wrote:
I've been thinking about this. It's often when something urgent happens, like I suddenly feel ill or too hot or too hungry or something. I need to learn how to express this better rather than just freezing or shouting.

Could this be health anxiety?

Quote:
But usually they are just caused by trying unsuccessfully to connect to people, being unable to make myself clear, people jeering and laughing at me. Often it's at an in laws party, or in the past it was when I took my little daughter to a children's event. I can't just run out of such events because there are other people to consider.

Yeah, suddenly leaving an event will upset people. I just step away for a few minutes to give myself a break.

If there are people actually jeering and laughing at you because you're not making yourself clear, I'd suggest putting some distance between between them and you.



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17 Jul 2022, 9:59 am

lostonearth35 wrote:
For years crying or getting upset was bad for me to do, not just getting angry. When I was a kid and cried, my mom would yell at me and punish me. Which made me cry even more. Unless I got physically hurt or whatever. I have very rarely seen my own mother cry. When my brother and I were kids we got a letter which was supposed to be from Santa Claus under the tree on Christmas morning, saying I needed to "play outside more" and "cry less". Of course my mother doesn't remember this so when I told her not long ago she was pretty shocked. She's gotten softer in her old age. :)

Since women aren't supposed to be as aggressive as men people still think it's not feminine to get angry. Which is strange, since lately it seems like if women do anything even remotely feminine, its sexist even if they like doing it.

Letter from Santa to play outside more and cry less, wow, that's below the belt.


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17 Jul 2022, 10:03 am

KitLily wrote:
skibum wrote:
You are correct. I do live in the US! We are very different here from the British in the sense that we are much more open about emotions. It's even accepted for a man to cry in public now.


I'm glad you said that. Other Americans I know online say 'Americans are hopeless at talking about emotions.' But if they knew how hopeless the British are, they'd change their tune. lol.

That's good if men can cry in public. It's so unfair that men aren't allowed to show sadness. The only 'acceptable' emotion for men is anger. At least in Britain. I think this is very unhealthy and leads to much of the violence and drug taking to numb the pain. And of course, suicidal men.

All people should be allowed to show whatever emotion they want (unless it is actually hurting others of course, like hitting them) We badly need emotional education in Britain.

My daughter's school is sooooo much better at dealing with emotions. Hopefully the younger generation are growing up more emotionally aware.
It's so scary what happens when people are taught that they can't express emotions in a healthy way. So much crime and tragedy could be prevented if people could feel safe in their expressions and treated with respect and dignity when they expressed themselves.


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17 Jul 2022, 1:57 pm

lostonearth35 wrote:
For years crying or getting upset was bad for me to do, not just getting angry. When I was a kid and cried, my mom would yell at me and punish me.


My mum is like that, well like you said, mine has got softer in her old age too.

I was never allowed to show any emotions unless they were happy ones. I was never allowed to have any problems. If I did any of those my mum got very angry and offended.

I'm not like that with my daughter, she is allowed to show any emotions she wants! And if she has a problem we try and sort it out. It's not rocket science. Just caring for your child!


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17 Jul 2022, 1:59 pm

PassingThrough wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I've been thinking about this. It's often when something urgent happens, like I suddenly feel ill or too hot or too hungry or something.

Could this be health anxiety?

Quote:
But usually they are just caused by trying unsuccessfully to connect to people, being unable to make myself clear, people jeering and laughing at me.

Yeah, suddenly leaving an event will upset people. I just step away for a few minutes to give myself a break.

If there are people actually jeering and laughing at you because you're not making yourself clear, I'd suggest putting some distance between between them and you.


It could be health anxiety for sure. I have lots of weird health problems that are rarely taken seriously.

Yes I haven't been to an in-laws party for years. I couldn't avoid children's events because I wanted my daughter to have some friends.


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17 Jul 2022, 2:01 pm

skibum wrote:
It's so scary what happens when people are taught that they can't express emotions in a healthy way. So much crime and tragedy could be prevented if people could feel safe in their expressions and treated with respect and dignity when they expressed themselves.


Comment of the day!

I think, in Britain anyway, people are scared of emotions so they try and suppress them. Which makes them worse.


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17 Jul 2022, 2:06 pm

KitLily wrote:
skibum wrote:
It's so scary what happens when people are taught that they can't express emotions in a healthy way. So much crime and tragedy could be prevented if people could feel safe in their expressions and treated with respect and dignity when they expressed themselves.


Comment of the day!

I think, in Britain anyway, people are scared of emotions so they try and suppress them. Which makes them worse.


I've found that some people think that showing any kind of emotion is a weakness. I actually think the opposite. I think it takes great strength to show how you really feel.

I have trouble with recognising how I feel so I come off as being cold and logical. If I was in touch with my emotions I'd surely let people know about it.


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17 Jul 2022, 2:18 pm

babybird wrote:
I've found that some people think that showing any kind of emotion is a weakness. I actually think the opposite. I think it takes great strength to show how you really feel.

I have trouble with recognising how I feel so I come off as being cold and logical. If I was in touch with my emotions I'd surely let people know about it.


I think you are correct. A lot of people like to appear unemotional and logical, even if they are not underneath. My ex boyfriend specifically focused on ignoring his emotions.

I agree with you, it does show strength to show how you feel, and actually people LIKE emotional people. That is why they watch dramas and sports! The number of men getting tearful and angry over sport! That seems to be 'acceptable', it's a shame that men are suppressed from showing emotions in general.

I've been trying to learn what my emotions are and what they are called. It only occurred to me recently (in my 50s!) that I have emotions and I'm allowed to have them. I'm not insane and psychotic, I just have emotions.


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PassingThrough
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22 Jul 2022, 1:01 pm

KitLily wrote:
I think, in Britain anyway, people are scared of emotions so they try and suppress them. Which makes them worse.

Good point. I've always admired British restraint, but I see your point about people suppressing emotions that need to be vented.



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22 Jul 2022, 2:51 pm

I'm still dealing with the aftermath of a couple of severe meltdowns last year. Been doing some Dialectical Behaviour Therapy work on the issues that let the situation get that bad in the first place, but ironically I've been so overwhelmed at work lately it is very hard to start putting it into practice.


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22 Jul 2022, 3:21 pm

PassingThrough wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I think, in Britain anyway, people are scared of emotions so they try and suppress them. Which makes them worse.

Good point. I've always admired British restraint, but I see your point about people suppressing emotions that need to be vented.


I don't think suppressing emotions is healthy. British people tend to get extremely drunk, so much so they can't stand up. I reckon it's due to suppressing everything and having to let it all out while drunk.

Europeans don't do this, they seem to drink in moderation. Well, French, Spanish and Italians anyway.

I also think it's dangerous that men are only allowed to show anger as an emotion. This leads to a lot of very angry men who probably feel another emotion but aren't allowed to show it.


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22 Jul 2022, 3:22 pm

PhosphorusDecree wrote:
I'm still dealing with the aftermath of a couple of severe meltdowns last year. Been doing some Dialectical Behaviour Therapy work on the issues that let the situation get that bad in the first place, but ironically I've been so overwhelmed at work lately it is very hard to start putting it into practice.


What's Dialectical Behaviour Therapy? Sounds interesting!


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24 Jul 2022, 5:36 am

I have already done a DBT. It is comparable to a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). You explore emotions and learn different types of skills and strategies to deal with your emotions more easily. But it's not the best idea to join group therapy for that. Especially when the therapist misdiagnoses you and you need to participate as a borderline personality rather than an Asperger autistic. That was the case for me at the time. Individual therapy was okay, but it probably won't serve its purpose, if the therapist treats you as a Borderliner instead of an autistic person.



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24 Jul 2022, 5:38 am

Nic na Mara wrote:
I have already done a DBT. It is comparable to a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). You explore emotions and learn different types of skills and strategies to deal with your emotions more easily. But it's not the best idea to join group therapy for that. Especially when the therapist misdiagnoses you and you need to participate as a borderline personality rather than an Asperger autistic. That was the case for me at the time. Individual therapy was okay, but it probably won't serve its purpose, if the therapist treats you as a Borderliner instead of an autistic person.


Sounds interesting and rings a bell! I think I've looked it up before.


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24 Jul 2022, 8:24 am

Nic na Mara wrote:
I have already done a DBT. It is comparable to a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). You explore emotions and learn different types of skills and strategies to deal with your emotions more easily. But it's not the best idea to join group therapy for that. Especially when the therapist misdiagnoses you and you need to participate as a borderline personality rather than an Asperger autistic. That was the case for me at the time. Individual therapy was okay, but it probably won't serve its purpose, if the therapist treats you as a Borderliner instead of an autistic person.


Happily, I was doing this one-on-one (via video call), with someone substantially less hidebound than the tutors of the CBT courses I've been on. She was willing to get into discussion about how I would be best able to use these techniques, rather than being all "this is the way and it will work if you do exactly as I say."


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PassingThrough
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25 Jul 2022, 9:01 am

KitLily wrote:
I don't think suppressing emotions is healthy. British people tend to get extremely drunk, so much so they can't stand up. I reckon it's due to suppressing everything and having to let it all out while drunk.

Europeans don't do this, they seem to drink in moderation. Well, French, Spanish and Italians anyway.[;quote]
The Japanese, too, suppress everything and then get drunk. There are also cultural reasons, but the suppressed emotions are part of it.

Quote:
I also think it's dangerous that men are only allowed to show anger as an emotion. This leads to a lot of very angry men who probably feel another emotion but aren't allowed to show it.

I assume British men can show happiness, disappointment, etc., but generally don't cry or display other emotions that would be seen as weak. Is that correct? I agree that the cultural discouragement from showing weak emotions is bad for men's emotional health.

If you were dating or married to a man who cried as much as women do, would you be okay with it?