Masking well until you have a meltdown

Page 2 of 5 [ 65 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Dillogic
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,334

15 Jul 2022, 8:56 am

KitLily wrote:
Are there any solutions to this?


Removing yourself from the situation when you know one is incoming is one.

When I see things that upset me at the time, I'm quite calm, probably too calm in many a situation, but I know it's going to hit me when it's all over. So, I remove myself from others, isolate myself, and cry in quiet (I may hit myself if I think I've failed someone, which isn't too bad in the end).

I don't have many, and it takes quite stressful things for me to hit this point. I'm one of those rock-like things that looks like I don't really feel out in the world, but I do.



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,153
Location: England

15 Jul 2022, 9:20 am

PassingThrough wrote:
Do you know what kind of situations cause you to have a meltdown? Learning how to spot the warning signs can help you to detach from the situation and regulate yourself. Another helpful tool is meditation for mindfulness. There are several guided meditation apps. When facing an approaching meltdown, mindfulness can help you identify it and put the situation in its proper place.


I've been thinking about this. It's often when something urgent happens, like I suddenly feel ill or too hot or too hungry or something. I need to learn how to express this better rather than just freezing or shouting.

But usually they are just caused by trying unsuccessfully to connect to people, being unable to make myself clear, people jeering and laughing at me. Often it's at an in laws party, or in the past it was when I took my little daughter to a children's event. I can't just run out of such events because there are other people to consider.

I just wish people were able to use their common sense. 'Oh, she looks upset, can we help her?' 'Maybe she's tired.'

My niece helped me recently, I was on the verge of collapse because I hadn't eaten for a long time and her parents were pushing back lunch further and further. She rushed to help me, I was so surprised to get help. Her parents and everyone else there just stared, or didn't notice.


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


Nic na Mara
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 16 Apr 2022
Gender: Female
Posts: 35

15 Jul 2022, 9:30 am

It's really unfair. People seem to care about NTs' feelings but not ours.

Advice is given to always reach out for help, but when I do so, people either say 'you think you've got it bad, well I've got it worse.' Or just stare blankly, not understanding.

It's confusing and weird.


EXACTLY!
People are in an ego competition these days.
"I'm worse than you." means "The world doesn't revolve around you, but around ME."

Or another often-heard saying speech: "Other people are much worse off than you."
Should I feel better now or even worse with guilt and so on? The ruthless devaluing and trivializing of the feelings of others seems to be a specialty of NT's.

I was looking for help until I had enough to hear from other people, who promised to help me in emergency cases:
"Is it really important? I'm quite busy this week. Can we talk another time?"
Reply - in my head, not in real: "No, it's not important, it's just me and my insignificant problems. I took enough time from myself to help you. Now it's my turn! But okay, I can wait a week with my sadness and anger or what ever happened to me."

At some point I can no longer swallow it - meltdown!
What we need are compassionate people, but where do we get that from?



Nic na Mara
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 16 Apr 2022
Gender: Female
Posts: 35

15 Jul 2022, 9:37 am

It's really unfair. People seem to care about NTs' feelings but not ours.

Advice is given to always reach out for help, but when I do so, people either say 'you think you've got it bad, well I've got it worse.' Or just stare blankly, not understanding.

It's confusing and weird.


EXACTLY!
People are in an ego competition these days.
"I'm feeling worse than you." means "The world doesn't revolve around you, but around ME."

Or another often-heard saying speech: "Other people are much worse off than you."
Should I feel better now or even worse with guilt and so on? The ruthless devaluing and trivializing of the feelings of others seems to be a specialty of NT's.

I was looking for help until I had enough to hear from other people, who promised to help me in emergency cases:
"Is it really important? I'm quite busy this week. Can we talk another time?"
Reply - in my head, not in real: "No, it's not important, it's just me and my insignificant problems. I took enough time from myself to help you. Now it's my turn! But okay, I can wait a week with my sadness and anger or what ever happened to me."

At some point I can no longer swallow it - meltdown!
What we need are compassionate people, but where do we get that from?

Sorry for the double post! I found and corrected a mistake.



Earthbound_Alien
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Jul 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,177
Location: UK

15 Jul 2022, 9:38 am

Joe90 wrote:
When I'm having a meltdown or whatever it's called, the things you mustn't say to me are:-

"Stop moaning!"
"Sshh!"
"Grow up!"

But you can say:-

"Calm down"
"Shut up!"
"Man up!"

Yes, my brain is weird. It's why I hate myself.


not really

you are not autistic



Earthbound_Alien
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Jul 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,177
Location: UK

15 Jul 2022, 9:39 am

nothing works when I'm having a meltdown

let it play out it will solve itself



Earthbound_Alien
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Jul 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,177
Location: UK

15 Jul 2022, 9:46 am

KitLily wrote:
I'm not sure how to put this.

On the surface I appear quiet, well spoken, intelligent, calm, but of course having mild autism there are situations I can't cope with and so I have meltdowns. My meltdowns are generally shouting and angry rather than crying, I rarely cry in a meltdown.

I've found that as a woman, being angry is unacceptable to society. I'm 'allowed' to cry and get upset, but not get angry. Whereas men are 'allowed' to get angry but not allowed to cry.

Anyway, when I do have a meltdown, I've found it pushes people away. They thought I was a quiet, well spoken, intelligent, calm person, then suddenly I'm angry and shouting. What a weirdo! they think, and run for the hills.

Are there any solutions to this? I'm not sure what I'm getting at really. I just think it's unfair. If a normally calm person is angry/crying, it is a sign that they need HELP. Not a sign for people to get offended and take it as a personal insult.


id like to say yes its possible to stop them, but its no

my dad had meltdowns

I have the same

I am not angry but distressed but I will rant and smash things like my dad

the only way around is to avoid my triggers. I can put reigns on them but not stop them completely.

they are best left to run their course when they happen


like you I am quiet and sweet normally with a slightly chatty streak when I'm in the mood, my meltdowns are noisy but harmless x



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,153
Location: England

15 Jul 2022, 9:50 am

Nic na Mara wrote:
EXACTLY!
People are in an ego competition these days.
"I'm feeling worse than you." means "The world doesn't revolve around you, but around ME."

Or another often-heard saying speech: "Other people are much worse off than you."
Should I feel better now or even worse with guilt and so on? The ruthless devaluing and trivializing of the feelings of others seems to be a specialty of NT's.
Sorry for the double post! I found and corrected a mistake.


Yes. More people are Me Me Me now days. It's all about them. There is no room for other people in their lives.

Oh god that drives me insane. 'Stop moaning, other people have it worse than you.'

So should I never be happy then because other people are happier? Should I never be scared because other people are more scared? Ridiculous!

I'm going to start saying 'sorry I'm not listening to you because other people are more critical than you' :lol: :lol:

Don't worry about the double post :flower:


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


Last edited by KitLily on 15 Jul 2022, 9:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

Earthbound_Alien
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Jul 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,177
Location: UK

15 Jul 2022, 9:52 am

or scream

its usually when my passions or sameness are disturbed...and sometimes noise



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,153
Location: England

15 Jul 2022, 9:52 am

Earthbound_Alien wrote:
id like to say yes its possible to stop them, but its no

my dad had meltdowns

I have the same

I am not angry but distressed but I will rant and smash things like my dad

the only way around is to avoid my triggers. I can put reigns on them but not stop them completely.

they are best left to run their course when they happen


like you I am quiet and sweet normally with a slightly chatty streak when I'm in the mood, my meltdowns are noisy but harmless x


People need to accept that other people have moods. There is no other solution, is there?

My dad died 40 years ago but I think he had meltdowns, according to my mum. He may have been autistic but I will never know now.


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


Last edited by KitLily on 15 Jul 2022, 9:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Earthbound_Alien
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Jul 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,177
Location: UK

15 Jul 2022, 9:53 am

I'm fragile x which is autistic like

my dad was fragile x too



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,153
Location: England

15 Jul 2022, 9:58 am

Earthbound_Alien wrote:
I'm fragile x which is autistic like

my dad was fragile x too


That is really interesting! I have heard of that but didn't know what it was.


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


PassingThrough
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jan 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 69

15 Jul 2022, 12:57 pm

Joe90 wrote:
But you can say:- "Man up!"

I was surprised to see that from a female poster. Is "man up" in this situation a shorthand way of saying to toughen up or something?

I don't mean to turn your light comment into a heavy topic, but this does bring up a good point about gender expectations. My approach has always been to come from where I am, not from a gender archetype. Sometimes my expression will resemble an archetype, and sometimes it won't. It's one less thing to weigh me down.



skibum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2013
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,600
Location: my own little world

15 Jul 2022, 6:59 pm

KitLily wrote:
I'm not sure how to put this.

On the surface I appear quiet, well spoken, intelligent, calm, but of course having mild autism there are situations I can't cope with and so I have meltdowns. My meltdowns are generally shouting and angry rather than crying, I rarely cry in a meltdown.

I've found that as a woman, being angry is unacceptable to society. I'm 'allowed' to cry and get upset, but not get angry. Whereas men are 'allowed' to get angry but not allowed to cry.

Anyway, when I do have a meltdown, I've found it pushes people away. They thought I was a quiet, well spoken, intelligent, calm person, then suddenly I'm angry and shouting. What a weirdo! they think, and run for the hills.

Are there any solutions to this? I'm not sure what I'm getting at really. I just think it's unfair. If a normally calm person is angry/crying, it is a sign that they need HELP. Not a sign for people to get offended and take it as a personal insult.
:heart:

I carry homemade Autism cards in my wallet. You might want to have one in your pocket. You can write on it that you are Autistic and overwhelmed and that is why you are screaming and that you need help. You can also write what things can be helpful to you. That way you can just hand it to someone who sees you meltdown and they will be able to help you.


_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."

Wreck It Ralph


skibum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2013
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,600
Location: my own little world

15 Jul 2022, 7:01 pm

Raleigh wrote:
When I would start to melt down at work years ago
There was a co-worker there who would squeeze me
And the meltdown would subside
So I don't know about not being able to stop a meltdown
Because my experience has been to the contrary.
That was an extroadinary circumstance though.
Deep pressure actually does really help to soothe you neurologically. It can really help calm or even stop a meltdown.


_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."

Wreck It Ralph


KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,153
Location: England

16 Jul 2022, 2:37 am

skibum wrote:
I carry homemade Autism cards in my wallet. You might want to have one in your pocket. You can write on it that you are Autistic and overwhelmed and that is why you are screaming and that you need help. You can also write what things can be helpful to you. That way you can just hand it to someone who sees you meltdown and they will be able to help you.


That's a good idea. I wonder if it would work for me. I suspect it might make them run away screaming but I could try.


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.