Why friends are inquisitive instead of ..

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Rhaz
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30 Jul 2022, 1:57 am

Why friends are inquisitive instead of ..connecting and sharing something about themselves, or about their own lives?

I never had issues to smalltalk, I learnt how to keep a conversation going instead of having awkward silence. Now I have started making new friends online that I never spent time with before, and they are (as it seems) not interested in meeting up or calling instead of texts. And I get these texts where they seem inquisitive and I even reply and throw in some questions back, but all I get back is basically "oh great for you, take care bye".

I'm pissed off. I want to tell them soon that their inquisitive behavior doesn't equal "showing up" or as "caring" from my perspective. To me it would be much nicer if it felt like there was some sharing and connecting going on. I don't need "care" I am adult, I'm interested in knowing someone not just sharing things about my own life. If that makes sense. I don't have anyone to tell this to. Because of this exact situation. It would just be like I'd share something and expect a trade of ideas or feelings but all I'd get back is judgement perhaps. Since my new friends don't share... Or small talk.. I'm kind of unsure how to view them. Are they even friends ? I feel, that they aren't. They're strangers. They take from me, when they believe they're "giving me care"?



Rhaz
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30 Jul 2022, 2:06 am

Rhaz wrote:
Why friends are inquisitive instead of ..connecting and sharing something about themselves, or about their own lives?


I guess what I'm trying to ask and figure out is how to make it stop, or change the way our communication is ? In a polite and understandable way.

Help me please.



klanka
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30 Jul 2022, 7:42 am

Those just aren't good friends and any attempt to change them probably won't work. I personally would send a text saying 'how come you don't answer questions about yourself?'
Or I would just find someone else.



Mona Pereth
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30 Jul 2022, 9:15 pm

Rhaz wrote:
I guess what I'm trying to ask and figure out is how to make it stop, or change the way our communication is ? In a polite and understandable way.

Help me please.

Maybe say something like: "I've noticed that we talk a lot about my life but hardly ever about yours. So maybe we should talk about something more fun instead, like maybe _______" -- filling in the blank with some topic or activity of common interest. Then say something, or ask a question, about the topic/activity.

(For example, if you both have pets, you can ask questions about their pets -- they might feel more comfortable talking about their pets than about their own personal lives more generally.)


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 30 Jul 2022, 9:31 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Mona Pereth
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30 Jul 2022, 9:27 pm

klanka wrote:
Those just aren't good friends and any attempt to change them probably won't work. I personally would send a text saying 'how come you don't answer questions about yourself?'
Or I would just find someone else.

Based on the limited info we've seen so far, I think it's premature to conclude that these people aren't potential good friends in the long run. They might be, they might not be.

Some people are just slower than others to become comfortable talking about their own lives to new acquaintances. In the meantime, when getting to know people who share more, and sooner, than they themselves feel comfortable sharing, such people might feel that asking questions is a way to show interest and concern.

That's one possible explanation of these people's behavior. There are, of course, other possible explanations too.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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02 Aug 2022, 10:51 pm

Some people think it is polite and kind to ask questions about other people (interest, curiosity, friendliness)

Some people love to talk about themselves

Disclosure

Some people act like when they get asked questions, it's "none of your business!"

There is something wrong with everything



Rhaz
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04 Aug 2022, 2:45 am

Thank you all.
I appreciate the advice and am processing it.
Yeah, it is a lot to think about .. :( I am not sure that I can have this style of communication or relating or not, to this friend (I have been talking with this friend for 2 years). If it doesn't develop, I guess this is how I will always feel. And since I see this pattern now, in at least two or three individuals then I guess I'm frustrated.

Thanks all.