People not using the right body language

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Joe90
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07 Aug 2022, 4:27 am

There's a man at work who is very nice but gets frustrated and it seems that other people pick on him. Whenever they criticise him or yell at him he yells back but then laughs.

At first I could feel tension between them, but each time the guy laughed it made it sound like they're just throwing banter at each other, so I got confused. Their tone of voices said one thing but the emotions I could feel said another.

But then I found out that my instinct was correct, because the man confided in me one day and felt really depressed. He said the others picked on him and he feels upset and frustrated. He said he only comes to work to get his wage and that he doesn't like the other guys much that pick on him.

So now I know whenever I hear arguing towards this guy at work that it's not banter, it's proper arguing, even though they kind of use a smiley face and a half-chilled tone and the man does a laugh each time he yells back like they're having a banter, but they're not.

So not all body language is correct. I feel that the guy laughs when arguing back because he's trying not to explode or something.


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babybird
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07 Aug 2022, 7:35 am

He's probably trying to make the best he can out of a bad situation. I always reckon that you have to spend a lot of time at work with people who you wouldn't usually have in you're every day life if you was given the choice.

At least he was able to open up to you.



kraftiekortie
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07 Aug 2022, 7:38 am

Indeed, I believe it is the above.

Try to be there for the guy when he feels like confiding to you.



Joe90
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07 Aug 2022, 9:53 am

Mostly sensitive people come to me to talk about their feelings to, and they seem to trust me too. And they can, because I instinctively understand boundaries. If person A badmouths person B, I wouldn't tell person B what person A said about them, because I know that it will cause problems between person A and person B (and will also upset person B).

I'm very trusted to keep other people's problems to myself in the workplace. I hear everything but say nothing.


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Last edited by Joe90 on 07 Aug 2022, 10:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

KitLily
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07 Aug 2022, 10:00 am

Gosh that confuses me in life. People say 'actions speak louder than words.' But I don't know what actions mean. And if someone says something nasty to me, it is both words and an action to actually say something nasty. So which is it?

Maybe I should take a body language course, but I just end up thinking 'well if they cross their legs, it might not mean what you say it means.' And get more confused.


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babybird
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07 Aug 2022, 10:07 am

I took "actions speak louder than words" to mean that instead of saying "sorry" or "I love you" (for instance) do something to show the person that you are sorry or that you love them.

Words are just words but actions can mean so much more.



Joe90
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07 Aug 2022, 10:08 am

KitLily wrote:
Gosh that confuses me in life. People say 'actions speak louder than words.' But I don't know what actions mean. And if someone says something nasty to me, it is both words and an action to actually say something nasty. So which is it?

Maybe I should take a body language course, but I just end up thinking 'well if they cross their legs, it might not mean what you say it means.' And get more confused.


This reminds me of when I was at a family barbecue one time and my (extroverted NT) cousin brought his girlfriend. I know she definitely wasn't on the spectrum, as my cousin wouldn't really date an ND, and I just knew anyway. But whenever she stood with her arms folded people kept asking her if she was cold (as in temperature). She wasn't cold at all, she just liked to stand with her arms folded rather stiffly. It suited her personality type but everyone still kept mistaking her for being cold.


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kraftiekortie
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07 Aug 2022, 10:10 am

Actions often DO speak louder than words.



babybird
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07 Aug 2022, 10:11 am

I think standing with your arms folded is supposed to mean that you are defensive.



kraftiekortie
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07 Aug 2022, 10:16 am

Yep….it can also express irritation or frustration.

And many not-so-positive things.



KitLily
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07 Aug 2022, 10:45 am

Joe90 wrote:
This reminds me of when I was at a family barbecue one time and my (extroverted NT) cousin brought his girlfriend. I know she definitely wasn't on the spectrum, as my cousin wouldn't really date an ND, and I just knew anyway. But whenever she stood with her arms folded people kept asking her if she was cold (as in temperature). She wasn't cold at all, she just liked to stand with her arms folded rather stiffly. It suited her personality type but everyone still kept mistaking her for being cold.


Yes that's exactly my point :) Body language often doesn't mean what they say it means.


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KitLily
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07 Aug 2022, 10:47 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Actions often DO speak louder than words.


But what if I can't put my finger on anything people do? e.g. they live a conventional, normal, boring life but their words are very harsh and cruel. Should I judge them as conventional and normal? Or harsh and cruel?

That's what confuses me.


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Joe90
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07 Aug 2022, 12:45 pm

babybird wrote:
I think standing with your arms folded is supposed to mean that you are defensive.


I know that but everyone thought she was cold for some reason.


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babybird
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07 Aug 2022, 12:57 pm

Was she also shaking with fear and everyone thought she was shivering?



kraftiekortie
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07 Aug 2022, 2:18 pm

Kit.

If you find their words harsh and cruel…..then they probably are harsh and cruel.



Joe90
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07 Aug 2022, 3:07 pm

babybird wrote:
Was she also shaking with fear and everyone thought she was shivering?


No, just the way she was standing quite rigidly. It was just her personality as she's quite a 'tough' person (can't think of a better word).

I remember when I was in college we were all doing maths and my friend was looking at the floor with her eyes half-closed and her face all serious like she was really sad, and the tutor worriedly asked her if she was all right. She snapped out of her trance and said "yes, Miss, I was just working this maths problem out", and the class all laughed. She must have been concentrating so hard on trying to work out a sum in her head that she was unintentionally giving off a sad or troubled facial expression.


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