If Real Life Ran On Anime Rules . . .

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Fnord
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15 Aug 2022, 10:42 am

If Real Life Ran on Anime Rules:

• A girl could find out if a boy likes her by making the first move; if he suddenly starts stammering, having a nosebleed, passes out, runs away screaming, or some combination, then he definitely likes her.

• All girls would be beautiful, with big eyes, delicate features, perfect skin, and provocative figures.

• Anyone could own a demon-destroying sword.

• Being silent would be considered 'cool'.

• Boys and girls would be falling onto each other as a form of introduction.

• Boys and girls would randomly switch bodies for no apparent reason.

• Even your most aggressive enemy would stand by and watch while you transform into your 'super' identity.

• Every boy would have a 'harem' of attractive girls living with him; the shyest boys would have the 'hottest' girls (and more of them).

• Every new meeting with your friends would require a 15-minute recap of your last meeting.

• Everyone would have a tragic backstory, likely to include the loss of one or both parents in an attack that annihilated their hometown.

• Everyone would have perfect skin (i.e., no acne, no scaring, no tattoos, et cetera).

• Everyone's natural hair color would be outside of the usual black-brown-red-grey-white scheme (i.e., orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, or some combination thereof).

• Fanservice would be the norm (i.e., gratuitous panty shots, flashes of ample cleavage, et cetera).

• Girls could beat a lewd or lecherous boy to a pulp without suffering punishment.

• Girls would be classifiable by their temperaments (i.e., Dandere, Deredere, Tsundere, Yandere, et cetera).

• Heroes would use only their first names.

• Humanity would include all kinds of hybrid races (i.e., Tigerboys, Catgirls, et cetera).

• Important events would involve only teenagers.

• One kick, punch, or slap from a girl could put a boy in the hospital.

• Shouting an attack form during combat makes the attack form more powerful.

• Shy boys would be surrounded by girls, each competing with the others for his attention.

• Shy girls would always be found in libraries, and would always turn out to be better than the rest.

• The more friends you have, the stronger your magic becomes.

• The most popular boys would be tall, slim, silent, and sad.

• Villains would use only their surnames.

• You could eat all you want and never gain weight.

• You could have a hidden 'power' (i.e., Death Glare, Hammerspace, et cetera).

• You could have your own mecha battle suit.

• You could run faster with a slice of toast in your mouth.

• You could wear the same clothes day after day and no one would notice.


I compiled this list after binge-watching various anime programs and noting the most common themes running throughout.  Does anyone have more to add?


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naturalplastic
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15 Aug 2022, 3:35 pm

I only know from live action TV.

Imagine being a healthcare professional in a community that operated on TV soap opera rules.


Experts say that only about one person every 20 years on the entire planet ever gets total amnesia. But in soap opera towns folks get amnesia as often as folks in real life get tooth decay.

The town of Cabot Cove Maine, inhabited by Angela Landsbury's charcter, in the show "Murder She Wrote", had a population of 3500 people. But it had an average of 21 murders a year during the run of the show.

That translates to a "murder rate" of 149 per 100 thousand of the population. Thats almost thirty times the U.S. national average, and more than twice the murder rate of the nation of El Salvador (61.2), which the highest in the world now.



Fnord
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15 Aug 2022, 4:01 pm

naturalplastic wrote:
Imagine being a healthcare professional in a community that operated on TV soap opera rules. 
Experts say that only about one person every 20 years on the entire planet ever gets total amnesia. But in soap opera towns folks get amnesia as often as folks in real life get tooth decay.
A tad off-topic, but okay . . . there are several variations of this list all over the Internet.  This version is mine.

Rules of Soap Opera Writing

1. Approximately one out of every three babies conceived will be miscarried or stillborn.

2. Every legal adult has at least one secret child; there are no exceptions.

3. Everyone has a twin, usually identical.

4. Everyone has at least one biological relative in town or some past connection to someone who happens to live in town. Even if they're not family, they've met at least one person in town before coming to town.

5. Everyone is rich. If not amazingly wealthy, at least rich enough to not have to worry about anything.

6. If a character is driving a car, the car will probably crash. The odds seem to increase if darkness, rain, or desperation are involved.

7. If a regular character is arrested for a serious crime, he/she will somehow be exonerated, even if he/she is guilty.

8. If a woman has sex with more than one man within a certain time period, she will get pregnant, and by a man she will not remember having had sex with.

9. If someone is murdered, there must be at least three suspects.
• The most hated characters are most susceptible to murder mystery storylines.

10. If someone says something optimistic, such as, "There is no way he/she/it could have survived" or "everything is going to be fine from now on," that person has just jinxed everything and the opposite of what he/she said will occur.
• What could possibly go wrong?

11. In the majority of cases, a dead person is not really dead.
• If the body hasn't been found, the person is still alive.
• If the body is unidentifiable without medical records, it belongs to someone else.
• If someone says, "Do not worry, he/she/it's dead", then he/she/it is probably alive.
• Even if the body has been found, the person might still not be dead.

12. No matter how badly you want your child's paternity kept secret, eventually the truth will come out.

13. No matter how many characters are being underutilized, apparently there is always room for new people.

14. Sooner or later, SORAS (Soap Opera Rapid-Aging Syndrome) afflicts all children.
• One day a kid may be 5, and the next he might be 15.

15. The amount the fans who hate a character or storyline is directly proportional to the amount of time the writers will spend showcasing that character or storyline.

16. The most interesting characters are not allowed to do anything. Alternately, the most annoying characters are always on.

17. Time and space are flexible.
• You can fly from Port Charles to any location in the world while a couple has half a conversation at Kelly's.
• One day may stretch for upwards of a week.
• "Yesterday" does not exist.

18. Writers love to have characters who can't have children.
• However, if your doctor tells you that you can't have a baby, he or she is probably wrong.
• This applies even to women who have had hysterectomies.


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CockneyRebel
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15 Aug 2022, 8:29 pm

Two CockneyRebels? Oh no! :lol:


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lostonearth35
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15 Aug 2022, 9:50 pm

I've watched enough classic western animation to know what life would be like:

Anyone who is walking up or down stairs must be accompanied by violin strings

If someone accidentally walks of a cliff, they will not fall until the second they look down

Owls must all wear little graduation caps

Turtles must all wear derby hats

Anyone can be blown away at close range by a shotgun without dying, only suffering temporary effects such as scorched hair, fur or feathers and/or little holes in their midsection

Anyone can easily find whatever object they need at a certain moment in time just by reaching behind their back and pulling it out from someplace. Most frequently chosen items are mallets and sticks of dynamite

Being bonked on the head will cause temporary hallucinations of birds, stars or a combination of both swirling around one's head

Animals can have pockets even if they don't wear clothes. And I don't mean just kangaroos.

Anvils are incredibly common, and light enough to lift, carry to a very high place, and drop on someone's head with deadly accuracy. But not literally deadly, as the victim of the anvil dropping will merely suffer temporary hallucinations of birds, stars or a combination of both swirling around one's head

If a couple is married, the wife must be very pretty or stunningly beautiful while the husband is ugly or just has a more "cartoony" look

No one must sneeze unless it's relevant to the plot. Actually, if you're a cartoon character, you can't really do *anything* unless it's relevant to the plot.

It may be physically impossible to do certain things until doing so is funny, such as slipping your hand easily from a pair of handcuffs that have no key.



lostonearth35
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20 Aug 2022, 12:32 pm

I just thought of another cartoon rule: :)

Whenever you open your fridge, there is always a whole, uneaten roast chicken or turkey inside, and it never has foil or plastic wrap covering it to keep it from drying out.



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21 Aug 2022, 5:53 am

Fnord's original list sounds about right for the most popular anime originally meant for preteens and teens, but then there are the less known ones and ones meant for older audience that don't really fit many of those criteria.

Anyway, here's something that's also common in the types of series mentioned above:

A physically weak character, usually a woman, can punch or slap the main character and have it look like she does a lot of damage, but the same character is still powerless in front of the bad guys. In other words, their strength works on friends better than enemies.



CockneyRebel
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21 Aug 2022, 6:03 am

I'd look like Peter Newkirk, nice and thin.


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CockneyRebel
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21 Aug 2022, 8:55 am

We'd each have a Pokemon. Mine would be Cacnea. :mrgreen:


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Fnord
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21 Aug 2022, 10:27 am

Fireblossom wrote:
Fnord's original list sounds about right for the most popular anime originally meant for preteens and teens, but then there are the less known ones and ones meant for older audience that don't really fit many of those criteria.

Anyway, here's something that's also common in the types of series mentioned above:

A physically weak character, usually a woman, can punch or slap the main character and have it look like she does a lot of damage, but the same character is still powerless in front of the bad guys. In other words, their strength works on friends better than enemies.
Then how about:

* Ginormous breasts that never seem to inconvenience the female warriors who have them.

* Everyone has a Japanese- or Korean-sounding name, but no one looks even slightly Asian.

* Any eight-year-old can pilot a 20-meter tall mecha without any training.

* Sound conducts through the vacuum of space.

* Nothing important can happen without a long, drawn-out exposition.

* The obligatory “Trip To the Beach” episode.

* Everyone has a tragic backstory involving the loss of one or both parents.

* The boy and girl who hate each other are suddenly trapped together and must cooperate to escape, discovering their true love for each other in the process.

* The “White-Screen” scene in which an angelic being gives a pep-talk to the (usually unconscious or dead) protagonist, allowing him or her to recover and complete their mission.


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MaxE
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21 Aug 2022, 10:43 am

Well there's the general rule that any man or boy who feels physically attracted to a woman or girl, and chooses to act on that feeling, will be rewarded with severe pain and/or injury.


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Fnord
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21 Aug 2022, 10:52 am

Another general rules seems to be that any secondary character with a secret crush on the primary character will run away and hide if the primary character should ever take notice of the secondary character.


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CockneyRebel
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21 Aug 2022, 10:56 am

There would be lots of hugging.


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lostonearth35
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21 Aug 2022, 6:54 pm

I think if there's anything I would like about being an anime girl/gal character and not an old-school western animated character is that I would blush in a very adorable way every time I felt strong emotions: embarrassment, happiness, anger, sadness, aloofness, excitement. I'd even look adorable when sick with a fever instead of, like, total death. :oops:



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22 Aug 2022, 2:56 am

We'd be genetically programmed to have hair of our favourite colour. Mine would be pea green or chartreuse, as Newkirk would say.


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22 Aug 2022, 4:12 am

Fnord wrote:
* Ginormous breasts that never seem to inconvenience the female warriors who have them. [/color]


It's common, but not always the case. In Shingeki no Kyojin, women don't have unrealistically big chests. Neither do the women in Fullmetal Alchemist. In One Piece they do, but in that, a young girl named Kuina who fights with a sword is actually worried about her chest getting in the way of sword fighting once she grows. Not that it ever happens, for Kuina dies as a child.

Quote:
* Everyone has a Japanese- or Korean-sounding name, but no one looks even slightly Asian.


Again, not in Shingeki no Kyojin or Fullmetal Alchemist. In those, the few with Asian names actually look Asian and it's made clear that they're from different places than the rest of the cast. And in Death Note, most are Japanese and do look the part. Code Geass is interesting as well: there are two main characters, a Japanese and a Western one, and they have a Japanese and Western names, but the Western one looks way more Japanese than the Japanese one does.

The point is that while these things are common, not every anime is full of the stereotypes everyone knows. One just gotta know what series to check.

Another very common thing I recalled is:

A visible vein popping on someone's forehead and/or elsewhere on their body when they're angry.