How to tell girlfriend about Asperger Syndrome

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Noamx
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22 Aug 2022, 10:50 pm

Of course it can be very simple, I can just say "I have Asperger Syndrome" and hope she wouldnt make a big deal out of it. But I have a feeling I shouldnt say it directly, but try to make it sound less frightening. Unfortunately, there's a tendency for people to hear that and immediately the thought of "a mentally ill person" jumps to their head, which provides a wrong impression about a person, so it needs to be described in different words.

Girlfriends prefer a normal person without any disability, and thats almost a fact these days. But there comes a point where I have to actually share my syndrome, I cant hide it forever. I'm not sure how to share it properly and also what are the right words to use for that purpose.

There's also the question of when to share, and perhaps, not share altogether unless she asked. I guess there are multiple ways to proceed with it.


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cyberdad
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25 Aug 2022, 12:34 am

Just curious how the dating scene is in Israel?



The_Face_of_Boo
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25 Aug 2022, 1:31 am

There's no need to tell her; unless you're planning to have babies with her.

Just say you're very introvert or not a social person at all or something like that, and leave it at that.

Just because she's your girlfriend that doesn't mean she has the right to know every secret private thing about you, even your parents don't have this right.


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r00tb33r
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25 Aug 2022, 1:37 am

Do you have an answer to the question "Why do it?"

Autism spectrum is very broad and affects many people very differently. It's confusing to the general public.

In fact, I've been in that position a year and a half ago. I had an interest, an old flame from high school. We were exchanging very nice emails, and I thought before we can get serious I had to explain to her some of the events from years ago, how autism factored into it, my meltdowns, and social withdrawal. She was very onboard with it, she really wanted to help me. She even bought the book I mentioned, without me asking. She read a few chapters in the book and became confused and lost, not knowing which items apply to me. I tried to describe situations from school, she couldn't recall any of it. She became annoyed because of the wasted time with the book, her not finding anything helpful from her perspective, and that caused me to develop anxiety that she'll abandon me. Eventually, she said that it's not her job to comfort me and my anxiety is for professionals to handle. And that was the end.

So if you feel like you need to say something, talk about actual difficulties you have with everyday life, the things that may affect the relationship or the activities. For example, I have problems with time management and anxiety.

Unless your date has a specific interest in autism it's probably best to keep it to yourself, at least until a long time down the road.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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25 Aug 2022, 4:06 am

and if you are not officially diagnosed then there's no need to tell anyone.


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cyberdad
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25 Aug 2022, 4:55 am

I guess it depends on how well you "blend"



kraftiekortie
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25 Aug 2022, 5:02 am

Right. No obligation to mention it unless you will be having children.



r00tb33r
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25 Aug 2022, 5:09 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Right. No obligation to mention it unless you will be having children.

What's the worst that can happen? A 5th-generation engineer? :lol:


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The Grand Inquisitor
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25 Aug 2022, 2:09 pm

My philosophy about this is to bring it up when it seems relevant within a conversation you're having, or to explain why you struggle with certain things when those struggles become relevant.

I don’t think you need to make a concerted effort to disclose your condition, but I don't think you need to hide it either.



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25 Aug 2022, 2:19 pm

The first step would be to get a girlfriend.


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cyberdad
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25 Aug 2022, 7:22 pm

babybird wrote:
The first step would be to get a girlfriend.


Damn! that's savage!



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25 Aug 2022, 7:27 pm

Personally, I would share this with a boyfriend when the time feels right. I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone that I couldn’t be open with. If the person doesn’t take it well, I’d know that he wasn’t worth my time.


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cyberdad
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25 Aug 2022, 7:38 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
when the time feels right.


^^^ Well that's the critical point



Sweetleaf
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25 Aug 2022, 7:41 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Right. No obligation to mention it unless you will be having children.


Or just a long term relationship, me and my boyfriend don't want to have any children ever(my sister may be wanting a kid though so we may become aunt and uncle but we won't be providing a cousin), but I told him about my Asperger's early enough he could move on if that was a dealbreaker.

So I guess I'd say once things get serious, whether or not you plan on having kids.


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cyberdad
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25 Aug 2022, 7:53 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
So I guess I'd say once things get serious, whether or not you plan on having kids.


I know with some cultures the moment the prospective partner finds out you have a risk of passing "the gene" any talk of marriage or children is off



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26 Aug 2022, 6:12 am

I prefer a guy with no disabilities as well.

I have never told my boyfriend I have a diagnosis of ASD because I know he wouldn't believe me. He literally thinks autism means you can't talk, which is good for me because then he'll never guess I have ASD in a million years. :lol:

I don't even identify as autistic myself so I'm not going to let it cramp my style by going around telling people I'm 'autistic'. It's not deceiving him. I tell him everything else. But ASD doesn't define me, I like to brush it under the carpet and pretend I don't have it myself.

My boyfriend knows I have ADHD though. Even though he's never heard of it before, when I first told him about it he straight away said "yeah, that's definitely you!" Say no more. :lol:


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