Failure to find a girlfriend

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Noamx
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26 Aug 2022, 9:01 am

I've been trying to find a girlfriend for a long time, but it just didnt happen. Not that I never had a girlfriend, but all women I have encountered recently had one of these problems with them, or something which had caused us not to become a boyfriend/girlfriend altogether. Its strange I fail so much and I dont even think I'm doing something very wrong most of the time.

- She wasnt looking for a serious relationship.
- She cared alot about financial related issues or about things a man should have, and when I told her I dont have something, she was disappointed and didnt want to talk to me ever again.
- She didnt answer, or answered with a "Sorry, I dont think this is gonna work out". For example, on a dating site / app. Although these things suck these days, but I'm still trying.
- I didnt look good enough for her. Although it can be hard to tell this is the reason sometimes, but other times it was kinda obvious.
- She said "No thanks, I have a boyfriend".
- She wasnt looking for a relationship at all.
- She's not in a "hurry" to find a boyfriend.
- We started a relationship and went on a first date, but after that first date, she have simply disappeared. No phone calls, no messages, no whatsapp, nothing. She blocked me in all ways/places possible, without an explanation. Other times, the woman did that before we even had a first date. Other times she gave a short explanation of something like "sorry, I think I have to move on, good luck" and blocked me everywhere and disappeared.



Can you guys please explain what you think about all this?


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Fnord
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26 Aug 2022, 9:15 am

What do you have to offer a potential girlfriend?

• Are you gainfully employed in a position that has potential for greater responsibility?

• Do you live on your own (away from your parents) and have your own means of transportation?

• Do you care about your appearance and the way you carry yourself?

• Can you converse on topics related to current events without dominating the conversation?

• Have you any artistic talents?  Can you play an instrument?  Can you draw, paint, or sculpt recognizable images?

• What do you do for recreation?  Are you into running, bicycling, or some other athletic activity?

• Are you a good housekeeper?  Can you prepare four-square meals from scratch?  Do you do your own laundry?

It is my experience and observation that women are not generally interested in becoming a caregiver, housekeeper, or mother-surrogate for a boring schlub, but are generally more interested in men who care for themselves and are interesting.

To attract women, you must become attractive to women.  To gain their interest, you must become interesting.


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kraftiekortie
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26 Aug 2022, 9:23 am

Paralysis via Analysis leads to failure.



Fnord
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26 Aug 2022, 9:26 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Paralysis via Analysis leads to failure.
Know thyself, and to thine own self be true.


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Noamx
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26 Aug 2022, 9:36 am

Fnord wrote:
What do you have to offer a potential girlfriend?

• Are you gainfully employed in a position that has potential for greater responsibility?

• Do you live on your own (away from your parents) and have your own means of transportation?

• Do you care about your appearance and the way you carry yourself?

• Can you converse on topics related to current events without dominating the conversation?

• Have you any artistic talents?  Can you play an instrument?  Can you draw, paint, or sculpt recognizable images?

• What do you do for recreation?  Are you into running, bicycling, or some other athletic activity?

• Are you a good housekeeper?  Can you prepare four-square meals from scratch?  Do you do your own laundry?

It is my experience and observation that women are not generally interested in becoming a caregiver, housekeeper, or mother-surrogate for a boring schlub, but are generally more interested in men who care for themselves and are interesting.

To attract women, you must become attractive to women.  To gain their interest, you must become interesting.


Even with many more things to offer / have generally than what I have / can offer now, I have simply encountered alot of women who were not in a "hurry" to be in a relationship or find a boyfriend, or were not looking for a serious relationship, or have used the excuse " I have a boyfriend", even when it was nearly obvious she doesnt really have one, or have simply showed a general lack of interest, despite me trying to give a good impression(without being arrogant about it or something of that nature).

So the question is what can I do in such situations, even if I have improved the things I have to offer / things I have generally?

I have a car, I live alone in a rented apartment. So sex wise, if I had to invite a woman to my place to get laid, I could have done that because I live alone. I can also generally accept guests, most of the time.


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Fnord
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26 Aug 2022, 9:47 am

If your goal in finding a girlfriend is "getting laid" and not "establishing and nurturing a life-long relationship", then you are setting yourself up for failure.

I never set out to "get laid".  Instead, I made the incidental acquaintances of several women, and found myself spending progressively more time with just one of them.  We became friends and confidants, and eventually found ourselves "falling in love".  It took three years from our first meeting to become husband and wife.

But if all you want is to "get laid" I am sure you could find someone willing to make a deal near any truck stop or all-night convenience store.


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kraftiekortie
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26 Aug 2022, 10:09 am

The ONLY thing you can do is put "finding a girlfriend" on the back burner.

I was in a similar situation to you at one time. I used to try too hard, and I used to get rejected----a lot.

After a while, I realized that my active pursuit of a "girlfriend" was, is, and will be futile unless I stopped obsessing about "finding a girlfriend," and instead pursue other interests. I knew I had to consider women as friends as well as possible lovers. That was the only way I could ever succeed.

Ultimately, pretty soon afterwards, while not actively seeking a girlfriend, I was able to go out on dates and all the rest.

In sum, it's better to be considered a person than a man in pursuit.



Noamx
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26 Aug 2022, 10:22 am

Fnord wrote:
If your goal in finding a girlfriend is "getting laid" and not "establishing and nurturing a life-long relationship", then you are setting yourself up for failure.

I never set out to "get laid".  Instead, I made the incidental acquaintances of several women, and found myself spending progressively more time with just one of them.  We became friends and confidants, and eventually found ourselves "falling in love".  It took three years from our first meeting to become husband and wife.

But if all you want is to "get laid" I am sure you could find someone willing to make a deal near any truck stop or all-night convenience store.

Thats not my intention. I mentioned "get laid" because thats something almost everyone does when they enter a more serious relationship, but things like emotional connection, mutual interests, doing fun things together, traveling together, have interesting conversations, and so on, these things are also very important to me.

I just havent got to a point where I had a chance to share all these things with a woman. She didnt even give me a chance, so I didnt have a chance to share / prove myself in generally. And this have happened multiple times, so you can imagine its not a very pleasant / fair situation to be in, when that many women are not willing to connect for reasons so stupid, I dont even know whether to laugh or cry sometimes.


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26 Aug 2022, 10:29 am

Noamx wrote:
. . . its not a very pleasant / fair situation to be in, when that many women are not willing to connect for reasons so stupid, I don't even know whether to laugh or cry sometimes.
Have you really never figured out why women do not want to connect with you?


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Noamx
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26 Aug 2022, 10:38 am

Fnord wrote:
Noamx wrote:
. . . its not a very pleasant / fair situation to be in, when that many women are not willing to connect for reasons so stupid, I don't even know whether to laugh or cry sometimes.
Have you really never figured out why women do not want to connect with you?

There could be 100 different reasons. But if you are only going to imply I have a problem and there's no possibility the woman has a problem, I think you have a big problem yourself, because honestly, the chances this is true are so slim. Also, in many different situations, I was more or less able to figure out the problem was her's, not mine, she was not ready / in a bad mood / already has a boyfriend, or something of that nature. And thats not something under my control or my fault altogether.


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Fnord
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26 Aug 2022, 10:40 am

Are you saying that the problems you have with "getting laid" rest solely with the women who reject you and not with you at all?


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Noamx
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26 Aug 2022, 10:51 am

Fnord wrote:
Are you saying that the problems you have with "getting laid" rest solely with the women who reject you and not with you at all?

You have a big misunderstanding there my friend.

I dont care about getting laid or even thought to mention the subject or tried to get women in my bed ever, especially not in the beginning of a relationship. Whatever made you think this way about me.

I made a thread about "getting laid" because I wanted to discuss the subject in generally. I mentioned the subject a few times in my replies in various threads on the forums, because thats a subject I wanted to dicuss, hear other people's opinions on, etc. I NEVER said thats my purpose / intention when I try to meet new women!

So if you can please stop asking me weird / stupid questions like these, I think that would greatly help us focus on the discussion itself.


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Fnord
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26 Aug 2022, 11:14 am

Noamx wrote:
. . . please stop asking me weird / stupid questions like these, I think that would greatly help us focus on the discussion itself.
So what do you think are the causes for your "Failure to Find A Girlfriend?"


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Noamx
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26 Aug 2022, 11:33 am

Fnord wrote:
Noamx wrote:
. . . please stop asking me weird / stupid questions like these, I think that would greatly help us focus on the discussion itself.
So what do you think are the causes for your "Failure to Find A Girlfriend?"

I mentioned them all in the first post in this thread. A long, full list. You can read, right? Or atleast I hope you can.


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Fnord
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26 Aug 2022, 11:51 am

Noamx wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Noamx wrote:
. . . please stop asking me weird / stupid questions like these, I think that would greatly help us focus on the discussion itself.
So what do you think are the causes for your "Failure to Find A Girlfriend?"
I mentioned them all in the first post in this thread. A long, full list. You can read, right? Or atleast I hope you can.
Just making sure your list has not changed or been added to.

• When she said she cared a lot about financial related issues or about things a man should have, she was apparently not interested in your personality.

• When she said she is not in a hurry to find a boyfriend, she is likely playing the long game to find the best she could get.

• When she said she was not looking for a serious relationship, or for any relationship at all, she may have meant she was not interested in a relationship with you, specifically.

• When she said you did not look good enough for her, she likely has a GQ cover-boy in mind.

• When she said, "No thanks, I have a boyfriend", did you ask where he was, and why he was not paying attention to her?

The common thread in all of the above is that women can size up a man from across the room, and usually before he even notices her.  How do you present yourself?  Do you think that no one is checking you out unless your are directly in front of them?  First appearances matter, whether in clothing, expression, grooming, or the way you carry yourself.

• When she ghosted you after the first date, she likely discovered something about you she did not like.

• When she did not answer, or answered with a "Sorry, I do not think this is gonna work out", she had likely sized you up as not worth any more of her time.

The common thread in these two seems to be that she took a chance and went on a date with you before deciding to take the relationship no further.  What did these women see in you to take that chance?  What did they discover about you that drove them away?


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rse92
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26 Aug 2022, 2:01 pm

Noamx wrote:
Fnord wrote:
What do you have to offer a potential girlfriend?

• Are you gainfully employed in a position that has potential for greater responsibility?

• Do you live on your own (away from your parents) and have your own means of transportation?

• Do you care about your appearance and the way you carry yourself?

• Can you converse on topics related to current events without dominating the conversation?

• Have you any artistic talents?  Can you play an instrument?  Can you draw, paint, or sculpt recognizable images?

• What do you do for recreation?  Are you into running, bicycling, or some other athletic activity?

• Are you a good housekeeper?  Can you prepare four-square meals from scratch?  Do you do your own laundry?

It is my experience and observation that women are not generally interested in becoming a caregiver, housekeeper, or mother-surrogate for a boring schlub, but are generally more interested in men who care for themselves and are interesting.

To attract women, you must become attractive to women.  To gain their interest, you must become interesting.


Even with many more things to offer / have generally than what I have / can offer now, I have simply encountered alot of women who were not in a "hurry" to be in a relationship or find a boyfriend, or were not looking for a serious relationship, or have used the excuse " I have a boyfriend", even when it was nearly obvious she doesnt really have one, or have simply showed a general lack of interest, despite me trying to give a good impression(without being arrogant about it or something of that nature).

So the question is what can I do in such situations, even if I have improved the things I have to offer / things I have generally?

I have a car, I live alone in a rented apartment. So sex wise, if I had to invite a woman to my place to get laid, I could have done that because I live alone. I can also generally accept guests, most of the time.


And there it is. Poster wants to find a girlfriend, poster gets advice to improve himself from older wiser poster, OP says it won't matter if I do that, now how can I find a girlfriend. Never fails.