How Do I Not Feel Undesirable?

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The Grand Inquisitor
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27 Aug 2022, 1:18 am

One of the hardest things about not being able to have dated despite wanting to for a very long time is that it leaves me feeling hopelessly undesirable, not good enough to attract a partner.

I don't know if some inherent lack of desirability that cannot be overcome is the core reason for my lack of dating success. I don't really think that's the case, but it's hard not to feel that way when my desirability isn't being validated, I'm not being accepted by anyone in that way, I have a history of no real dating success, and my love life is showing no signs of impending improvement.

I realise that just because one hasn't dated doesn't necessarily mean that one is intrinsically undesirable. There are many factors that can interfere with one's dating success even when one is a worthwhile human being. Unfortunately that realisation isn't enough to stop me feeling a crushing sense of inadequacy.

Part of the urgency I have to start dating comes from wanting to finally feel like I'm worthy of romantic interest and romantic love.



Twilightprincess
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27 Aug 2022, 6:32 am

Self worth needs to come from within, not from without.

This is something that you could work on in therapy. I had to work on this, too, after being rejected and shunned by most of my family.


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kraftiekortie
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27 Aug 2022, 6:51 am

Honestly, there are very few people who are actually “hopelessly undesirable.” From what I know of you, you are not one of those people.

(Don’t worry……I like women).



nick007
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27 Aug 2022, 8:09 am

I know 1st hand it can be very difficult for lots of us who have issues & majorly struggle with dating to not feel desirable. I readily admit that have LOTS of issues, problems, & faults compared to lots of others but lots of my problems are things are beyond a realistic ability to do away with & cover up. Instead of just seeing my flaws & seeing how I fail compared to others, I try to see my good qualities. I try to see the ways I've improved & how lots of others would of handled things much worse than I did & would have completely given up on a relationship or even life. I also tried to see the various flaws in others & humanity overall. Trying to be supportive of others who had problems & reading political & world news made me realize that I'm not that f#cked-up compared to lots of others. The bar is very low & gets lower every day. The people who believe that I'm a loser & have too many issues for a relationship have their own various faults including being extremely judgemental & intolerant of others who were not born with a silver spoon in their mouths & can not pretend to be perfect. I'm probably a lot better off being single than with somebody I will never be able to measure up to & please. I majorly try to be accepting & supportive of romantic partners & friends who do have issues & very unfortunately that's better than lots of others do these days :(


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cyberdad
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27 Aug 2022, 7:35 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Part of the urgency I have to start dating comes from wanting to finally feel like I'm worthy of romantic interest and romantic love.


There's no quick fix GI. You need to go back to basics. Drop the urgency (it only feeds desperation which is going to be a big turn-off anyway).

Start fresh, work on yourself. Dating is one of the hardest things I have done in my life. It's even harder than finding a job. There are some really simple steps about presenting the best version of yourself. Once you are comfortable that you have lost weight, practicing good hygiene, picking clothes that compliment your looks, doing something constructive in your life careerwise and have money from a part time job then head back out to the dating world. Even then remove expectations that you expect to see immediate results. There is no magic bullet.

Feeling desirable is about your own self-esteem. it's not about persuading women to take a chance on you.



The Grand Inquisitor
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27 Aug 2022, 10:44 pm

cyberdad wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Part of the urgency I have to start dating comes from wanting to finally feel like I'm worthy of romantic interest and romantic love.


There's no quick fix GI. You need to go back to basics. Drop the urgency (it only feeds desperation which is going to be a big turn-off anyway).


I can't control the way I feel. I can't silence the hormones that are screaming at me to find acceptance from a woman in an intimate way. The urgency exists because being in this situation is agonising. The only way to get rid of the urgency is to somehow fill the romantic void in my life.


cyberdad wrote:
Start fresh, work on yourself. Dating is one of the hardest things I have done in my life. It's even harder than finding a job. There are some really simple steps about presenting the best version of yourself. Once you are comfortable that you have lost weight, practicing good hygiene, picking clothes that compliment your looks, doing something constructive in your life careerwise and have money from a part time job then head back out to the dating world. Even then remove expectations that you expect to see immediate results. There is no magic bullet.

How am I supposed to cope in the meantime? I can't help but be extremely depressed. I've tried improving myself and it's never made a difference to my results.

cyberdad wrote:
Feeling desirable is about your own self-esteem. it's not about persuading women to take a chance on you.

Feeling desirable comes from experiencing being desired. Being in a good place in life and personal development can help a lot with feeling like you have desirable qualities, but the most important thing is getting to see other people actually desire you.

I would feel more desirable if I was as I am right now and having women showing an interest in me than I would if I was the best version of myself I could possibly be and I had nobody showing an interest in me. The operative factor here is receiving interest from women.



cyberdad
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28 Aug 2022, 2:44 am

You are actually a good looking guy GI (i've seen your photos).

All of us go through this phase where we bite the bullet now, make some sacrifices in order to reap the benefits later,

While you are waiting for upgrading you to being the best version of yourself quell those raging hormones like all men your age do with porn.

I had the opposite problem where I was skinny 20 year old and I thought girls wanted men with bulk so I tried to put on weight. But masturbation was such a big help for me to quiet down those urges.



The Grand Inquisitor
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28 Aug 2022, 6:50 am

I had an experience last night that I feel is worth sharing.

My friend who I haven't seen in over a year invited me to go out and see some bands with him at a nightclub. I had like 10 rums, so I'm a little hazy on some of the details, but at one point my friend and I were talking to a woman there. She proposed that if my friend and I would make out together, she'd make out with both of us seperately, so we did that. When it was my turn, she told me she'd never kissed a bearded guy before. She wanted to feel my beard and ended up braiding it. She clocked me as being an inexperienced kisser, but I can't really help that.

This experience has left me with a lot of food for thought. She wouldn't have proposed a deal like that if she thought I was repulsive. And this is the first time I've been out clubbing in a long time. Makes me wonder what could happen if I was doing it more often.

Maybe I am adequate after all, and it's simply that my circumstances have seemingly conspired together to give me the impression that I am inadequate.

Maybe the main problem I have is feeling uncomfortable engaging in conversation with unfamiliar people, and that is what I need to direct my attention towards solving. If I can figure out how to address that uncomfortableness, I could go to the nightclub district with the modest goal of practicing talking to unfamiliar people, and at least then I'm giving myself a plausible avenue through which to meet someone while also cultivating skills that will improve my chances of making that connection.



klanka
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28 Aug 2022, 8:12 am

Yeah I agree with your conclusions and think you have a good plan.



cyberdad
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28 Aug 2022, 9:07 pm

I think going out to clubs is an excellent way to practice social skills with people your age. And yes, drunk girls are fun,



nick007
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29 Aug 2022, 8:35 pm

I would advise against going to clubs to practice social skills. There's a member on this forum who regularly goes to bars & clubs & regularly gets into trouble there. He might have much better luck if he tried a different method to meet people & make friends. Talking to drunk people while you are drunk does not teach helpful social skills for situations where nobody has been drinking. It teaches you how to make a giant arse of yoruself.


The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Feeling desirable comes from experiencing being desired. Being in a good place in life and personal development can help a lot with feeling like you have desirable qualities, but the most important thing is getting to see other people actually desire you.

I would feel more desirable if I was as I am right now and having women showing an interest in me than I would if I was the best version of myself I could possibly be and I had nobody showing an interest in me. The operative factor here is receiving interest from women.
I felt the same way when I was single & managing to get a relationship was a huge help for me but I majorly tried to improve myself as well.


cyberdad wrote:
You are actually a good looking guy GI (i've seen your photos).

All of us go through this phase where we bite the bullet now, make some sacrifices in order to reap the benefits later,

While you are waiting for upgrading you to being the best version of yourself quell those raging hormones like all men your age do with porn.

I had the opposite problem where I was skinny 20 year old and I thought girls wanted men with bulk so I tried to put on weight. But masturbation was such a big help for me to quiet down those urges.
I had an OCD obsession with porn for years when I was single & I was still extremely lonely & desperate to find a romantic relationship but I was not motivated by the idea of having sex. The porn obsession prevented me from doing things I wanted & needed to do & probably made the void worse instead of helping. Perhaps moderation is key here. Getting on OCD medication partly to deal with that obsession along with other obsessions & compulsions was a major step forward towards improving myself. My OCD contributed to me screwing up my 1st two relationships & my med combo helped prevent me from screwing up my current relationship.


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goldfish21
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04 Sep 2022, 3:07 pm

Change your thoughts.

Thoughts dictate feelings/emotions, and in turn feelings/emotions dictate actions.

Even if you don't speak your negative thoughts out loud, your facial expressions, body language, and "vibe," communicate them. If you think over and over and over again about how you feel undesirable, then that's what your physical body/presence is putting out into the world around you.

If you're able to successfully clear your mind and have a clean neutral slate, you'd at least be putting out a neutral vibe. And then if you're able to Think about your good qualities that others may be attracted to, your emotional reactions to those thoughts will be positive - and without saying a word you'll Be a more attractive person.

You might think all of this is wooey new age BS, but there are reasons that these themes have been rediscovered and written about by self improvement authors repeatedly for hundreds of years. Everything is energy, and thoughts are things, so thoughts are energy.. and the type and quality of your thoughts Will dictate the "energy," you put out into the world and that energy is going to be perceived and interpreted subconsciously by everyone around you. If you're thoughts are negative, nervous, self defeating etc then you've beaten yourself out of the game before you got started. If they're happy, confident, positive optimistic forward thinking thoughts then you'll attract others with that vibe like an ideal fishing lure.

Self improvement is key to becoming attractive. Mentally, physically, emotionally etc - work on mastering yourself, controlling your thoughts and emotions, becoming a better you in every way and eventually others begin to take notice in a good way.


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04 Sep 2022, 4:36 pm

Maybe hit the strip clubs or brothels if you're really desperate to lose your virginity. You live in Australia so escorts are legal there. You could get an escort and be 100% upfront about your lack of experience but you are willing to learn. Maybe get some sexual experience so when you actually do date a non-working girl, you wont be completely clueless and have no idea what's going on.

If I lived in a place where prostitution were legal, I probably would have seriously considered going to a brothel at 23, 24.



kraftiekortie
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04 Sep 2022, 4:54 pm

Strip clubs just smell. I walked out of one at 21 because it stunk.

Most things sexual-business related—unless “high class”—just stink to high heaven.



Mikurotoro92
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04 Sep 2022, 8:48 pm

I feel the same way but I have dated before as a teenager

Just never successfully made the jump from "boyfriend" to "husband"

You HAVE to love yourself before you can love someone else!



The Grand Inquisitor
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05 Sep 2022, 1:20 am

goldfish21 wrote:
Thoughts dictate feelings/emotions, and in turn feelings/emotions dictate actions.

Even if you don't speak your negative thoughts out loud, your facial expressions, body language, and "vibe," communicate them. If you think over and over and over again about how you feel undesirable, then that's what your physical body/presence is putting out into the world around you.

I don't disagree with this.

goldfish21 wrote:
Self improvement is key to becoming attractive. Mentally, physically, emotionally etc - work on mastering yourself, controlling your thoughts and emotions, becoming a better you in every way and eventually others begin to take notice in a good way.

Self-improvement is important for life progression in general, but when you cite it as the solution to my inability to get dates and romantic prospects, you're implying a couple of things. You're implying that I'm not good enough to attract a partner as I am, and you're implying that my ongoing efforts towards self-improvement are insufficient, but you also can't tell me what degree of self-actualisation I must reach before I can finally be deemed a worthy dating prospect.

There's always room for improvement, so no matter how much self-improvement I achieve in my quest for self-actualisation, so long as my love life is failing, people can always tell me that I'm not good enough to attract a partner, and that I need to improve more in order to become good enough.

Self-improvement can only increase one's chances of attracting a partner, but the extent to which it can do so varies depending on what the individual is working on improving, and why the individual is facing difficulty attracting a partner in the first place. The more constructive approach is to examine why an individual is having the dating issues they are, and figure out what specifically needs attention in order to achieve better outcomes.