I Would Prefer to Date an Autistic Guy, but...

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FantaOpossum
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29 Aug 2022, 1:16 pm

(Just a small rant and some public musings, so don't get mad at me.)

I can't seem to find any autistic men I'm actually interested in dating. It breaks my heart 'cause I know we all tend to have it rough in the dating scene. I've seen the posts on here.

I would prefer to date someone who has the same autistic struggles as me, 'cause they get it, you know? Someone to share special interests with and someone to drag to nerdy conventions and do couples cosplay with. All of the men I've been romantically involved with so far, while they sure as hell aren't NT, they're not autistic either. My ex likely had undiagnosed ADHD and this guy I'm talking to at the moment is bipolar. (I met him through So Syncd, I recommend the app if you're willing to give online dating a shot.)

The autistic men I've talked to were not my type physically - which is saying a lot, considering my type of man I am attracted to is mediocre white men; Mom was not impressed with my ex's appearance by any means.

I've met a good autistic friend through Hiki, though. I also met some really creepy autistic men through that app as well. It's so weird I end up being friends with most of the autistic men I met, but never date them.

So as much as I'd love to have an autistic leftist furry boyfriend who looks like my mediocre white male celebrity crush, I don't think it's gonna happen. But hey, I can dream, right?


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kraftiekortie
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29 Aug 2022, 1:19 pm

I bet at least some guys here would like your screen name, at the very least.

(I'm not trying to flirt with you. I'm married, and I'm an old geezer, and I'm not into the "cosplay" thing. :) )



FantaOpossum
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29 Aug 2022, 1:22 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I bet at least some guys here would like your screen name, at the very least.


True. I've just been reading the posts in the Love and Dating section, and I feel like I'm playing into the problem of chronic singleness among autistic men by not being romantically involved with autistic men, despite me not wanting to contribute to that problem.

I have a good feeling about this guy I've been talking to though, and I don't want to ditch him over this issue, so I can't help but lament.


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kraftiekortie
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29 Aug 2022, 1:25 pm

Just don't do anything foolish----like "jump" into the relationship.

Don't "put all your eggs in one basket."



FantaOpossum
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29 Aug 2022, 1:28 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Just don't do anything foolish----like "jump" into the relationship.

Don't "put all your eggs in one basket."


Does this mean I should be talking to more than one guy just in case? What happens if I end up going out with one, and not the others? How would I tell the other men that I've decided to not go out with them?

Not trying to be hostile, I’ve just never done online dating before so I don’t know the proper protocol, so to speak.


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kraftiekortie
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29 Aug 2022, 1:32 pm

You don't----until you feel you want a commitment.

I believe one has the moral right to go out with more than one person----unless there's an agreement on a commitment on both sides with one guy and you.

If you feel you want a commitment with someone, then you would tell the other guy that you have a boyfriend, or you allude to the other guy being the boyfriend (probably better). I feel that's the best approach.

If some guy does something sleazy----like send a picture of themselves unclothed-----just ignore him.



FantaOpossum
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29 Aug 2022, 1:39 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
You don't----until you feel you want a commitment.

I believe one has the moral right to go out with more than one person----unless there's an agreement on a commitment on both sides with one guy and you.

If you feel you want a commitment with someone, then you would tell the other guy that you have a boyfriend, or you allude to the other guy being the boyfriend (probably better). I feel that's the best approach.

If some guy does something sleazy----like send a picture of themselves unclothed-----just ignore him.


Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it.


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kraftiekortie
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29 Aug 2022, 2:02 pm

You also don't have to tell a guy that you're talking to another guy----especially if there's no commitment to the first guy.



funeralxempire
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29 Aug 2022, 2:18 pm

FantaOpossum wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I bet at least some guys here would like your screen name, at the very least.


True. I've just been reading the posts in the Love and Dating section, and I feel like I'm playing into the problem of chronic singleness among autistic men by not being romantically involved with autistic men, despite me not wanting to contribute to that problem.

I have a good feeling about this guy I've been talking to though, and I don't want to ditch him over this issue, so I can't help but lament.


You don't owe an individual or a demographic a relationship though. It usually isn't a conscious choice to be interested in someone but overthinking it can mess things up. There's a reasonable chance that if it's both a priority and something that makes a partner compatible that in the long run you'll find someone like that.


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29 Aug 2022, 2:29 pm

I've never used online dating but I have a different opinion.

I wouldn't lie to anyone and say I had a boyfriend.
Why would you be on a dating site if you had a boyfriend? ... but also you don't need to lie.

Also I believe it's OK to tell them you are talking to other people.
They likely are, too.

Even if you meet some of them irl, you can say you are getting to know them.
Until you make a commitment to someone and set boundaries for the relationship, it's OK.

There's nothing worse than feeling like it's all or nothing with someone from the start.



kraftiekortie
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29 Aug 2022, 2:31 pm

I wasn't advocating lying. I was saying that if she had a commitment to one guy, and the guy felt a commitment to her, that she should tell the other guy that she has a boyfriend.

In toto.....I wasn't saying that she should tell someone she has a boyfriend when she doesn't have one.



IsabellaLinton
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29 Aug 2022, 2:33 pm

Ah, sorry. I must have missed or misread one of your comments. ^



FantaOpossum
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29 Aug 2022, 2:59 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
FantaOpossum wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I bet at least some guys here would like your screen name, at the very least.


True. I've just been reading the posts in the Love and Dating section, and I feel like I'm playing into the problem of chronic singleness among autistic men by not being romantically involved with autistic men, despite me not wanting to contribute to that problem.

I have a good feeling about this guy I've been talking to though, and I don't want to ditch him over this issue, so I can't help but lament.


You don't owe an individual or a demographic a relationship though. It usually isn't a conscious choice to be interested in someone but overthinking it can mess things up. There's a reasonable chance that if it's both a priority and something that makes a partner compatible that in the long run you'll find someone like that.


True. Finding autistic men on dating apps is kinda hard though, and I've had s**t luck on Hiki, haha.


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delvian
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30 Aug 2022, 5:01 pm

Sounds like you and I have fairly similar taste in men :lol: personally, I've reached a point where I really no longer want to date anyone who isn't on the spectrum. But I do accept that's probably gonna mean I'm gonna spend most of my time single. I'm okay with that, though.



that1weirdgrrrl
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30 Aug 2022, 6:08 pm

I'm pretty sure I've only ever dated men on the spectrum. Not intentionally. Those have just been the men I've been mutually attracted to :lol:

I'd just say look for someone you get along with really well and investing time and energy into them feels energizing, rather than tiring.

I'm a huge introvert, but I never feel depleated by my partner, because he's the cat's meow :D


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Agent_Elflord
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30 Aug 2022, 7:15 pm

I agree with wanting to be with someone who shares similar autistic struggles, but at the same time I feel bad about talking about being lucky to have the kind of autism where people don't know about it and think I'm just a regular weird kid unless I tell them autistic, because I feel like I sound like I'm putting down the other autistic folks who face more challenges than I.

I saw your introduction post yesterday and saw that you and I both love History, and part of me was like "damn, too bad they probably aren't near California.", and now after reading this I'm like "too bad I'm not leftist or furry :lol: " Best I could do is former wannabe boomer-conservative turned lib-right that is moving a little more left and I'm just a filthy casual toonami anime watcher *causually starts rewatching Naruto for the 5th time*

You'd definitely be a cool friend though, I don't have many friends who are more focused on the 20th century stuff like you. It's national Cinema day this Saturday, and one of my local theaters is gonna show Steve McQueen's 1958 movie 'The Blob' and I'm gonna go with one of my friends who is interested in the 50s and probably her bf too if he's off work. kinda wanna see if the former president of our history club wants to come too. I might make a day of it and pop into an antique/vintage shop or two beforehand, and maybe my friends and I could go to one of the 50s themed burger joints here after the movie.