I have given up making friends and it has made me happy

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Trachea
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Age: 34
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 176

31 Aug 2022, 12:19 am

I accepted that it is too stressful for me to have friendships in the way that neurotypical people tend to have them. It has been a painful road to get here but ultimately from this acceptance has become a great relief and sense of peace. Mostly it is great to feel that my life is enough as it is and there is no need to change it forcibly. This pressure was always coming from outside, internalized that I need to have certain kinds of relationships that look a certain way or I can't be happy. That's not true!

I do have people in my life I can message every now and then, but there is no depth to the relationships in the sense friendships "should" in common opinion, keeping constantly in touch, meeting and so forth. We pretty much never plan meets or do anything together, I do not participate in their life events nor they to mine, except to congratulate via message and this is great for me! Just chats every now and then, sometimes longer, sometimes just a picture.

Sometimes rarely, once a month or in two, exactly and only when I feel like it, I go outside to an event and might even talk to people I have met there or not. I have no pressure or problem leaving home when I feel like it because these people are not really my friends that I want to spend much time with, just okayish people. Also I have very little pressure about the conversations because I am not trying to force a relationship with them, it's okay to just be acquaintances.

I realized a lot of my issues were still trying to force relationships to be neurotypical even though I thought I had given up trying to be "normal". Right now these kind of "superficial" relationships, my journal writing and parasocial relationships feel really quite good enough (maybe writing to wrong planet will also become a way to be a bit social, we'll see). Maybe at some point I would like to add a group just to play boardgames with. My family does want much more contact that I am comfortable with so that is the thing that I still have to mitigate with them, but mostly, I'm happy with things as they are.

Just wanted to give a bit of a different point of view than most messages on this board, because it's so common to always think more is better but sometimes you actually have what you need and more is too much.



temp1234
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31 Aug 2022, 3:20 am

I think I feel the same as you do. I have lots of painful memories but finally have reached a stage where I'm happy as I am without friends. I do have "friends" whom I see once a year or two. Otherwise, I'm completely alone. I actually choose to be alone if possible. If I have to be with other people, I feel I'm wasting my precious time.

I do have my parents and siblings that care about me but they live far away and I don't see them regularly.

It's a nice feeling to wake up to this peaceful state, isn't it?



Trachea
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Age: 34
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31 Aug 2022, 3:50 am

temp1234 wrote:
I think I feel the same as you do. I have lots of painful memories but finally have reached a stage where I'm happy as I am without friends. I do have "friends" whom I see once a year or two. Otherwise, I'm completely alone. I actually choose to be alone if possible. If I have to be with other people, I feel I'm wasting my precious time.

I do have my parents and siblings that care about me but they live far away and I don't see them regularly.

It's a nice feeling to wake up to this peaceful state, isn't it?


Yes! :flower:



shortfatbalduglyman
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01 Sep 2022, 12:00 pm

Pretty much likewise except:

I don't even have anyone I could write emails to about my pathetic existence

39 years old

Zero children

Parents dead

Zero significant other

So no "family" per se

Live alone

Usually don't interact with anyone outside my dumpster fire "job"

But families and friends are not always as great as they are cracked up to be

There are advantages and disadvantages to having friends and family

A couple of "friends" in the past

One "friend" Amy , had the nerve to tell me that she would tell me whenever I did something she didn't like and she expected me to change immediately drastically permanently and cheerfully

While she was not even willing to change the slightest thing she did that I did not like. Example:. Off leash dogs and jaywalking.

She sounded so judgmental and condescending but she acted like she was being nice

Furthermore it disgusts me when lil dipshits act so enthusiastic. They act like every thought and emotion that goes through their heads is the latest greatest scientific invention. Then when I say the slightest thing they half listen and grunt "huh" and "what" like they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me"

A couple of years ago, I dumped a "friend", Anthony. He refused to say "excuse me" instead of "what", and he kept telling me how bad and wrong my actions were

Anthony and Amy acted like they were doing me a favor by gracing me with their presence



Needless to say, I felt too intimidated to tell her that I didn't like it when she kept interrupting me to ask what I was gonna say. (WTF?).

Cost benefit analysis

Some precious lil "people" are not worth the energy it takes to interact with them

But they are doing their "best"

They are just being "true" to themselves

They did not invent anything. Otherwise they would have taken out a patent

They didn't set any world records


_________________________________________

"With 'friends' like that, who needs enemies?"



Trachea
Pileated woodpecker
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Joined: 30 Aug 2022
Age: 34
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 176

01 Sep 2022, 11:31 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Pretty much likewise except:

I don't even have anyone I could write emails to about my pathetic existence

39 years old

Zero children

Parents dead

Zero significant other

So no "family" per se

Live alone

Usually don't interact with anyone outside my dumpster fire "job"

But families and friends are not always as great as they are cracked up to be

There are advantages and disadvantages to having friends and family

A couple of "friends" in the past

One "friend" Amy , had the nerve to tell me that she would tell me whenever I did something she didn't like and she expected me to change immediately drastically permanently and cheerfully

While she was not even willing to change the slightest thing she did that I did not like. Example:. Off leash dogs and jaywalking.

She sounded so judgmental and condescending but she acted like she was being nice

Furthermore it disgusts me when lil dipshits act so enthusiastic. They act like every thought and emotion that goes through their heads is the latest greatest scientific invention. Then when I say the slightest thing they half listen and grunt "huh" and "what" like they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me"

A couple of years ago, I dumped a "friend", Anthony. He refused to say "excuse me" instead of "what", and he kept telling me how bad and wrong my actions were

Anthony and Amy acted like they were doing me a favor by gracing me with their presence



Needless to say, I felt too intimidated to tell her that I didn't like it when she kept interrupting me to ask what I was gonna say. (WTF?).

Cost benefit analysis

Some precious lil "people" are not worth the energy it takes to interact with them

But they are doing their "best"

They are just being "true" to themselves

They did not invent anything. Otherwise they would have taken out a patent

They didn't set any world records


_________________________________________

"With 'friends' like that, who needs enemies?"


Hmm, you don't seem very happy, quite the opposite in fact :( Sorry to hear you have had bad experiences. Sometimes it's easy to become bitter to other people, I know I have in the past. However it's also important to realize we all have our faults and being autistic people we especially struggle with being social. I think sometimes it's better to focus on things we do have, things we are good at and that make us happy instead of these negative social experiences.



shortfatbalduglyman
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04 Sep 2022, 11:57 pm

Trachea wrote:
shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Pretty much likewise except:

I don't even have anyone I could write emails to about my pathetic existence

39 years old

Zero children

Parents dead

Zero significant other

So no "family" per se

Live alone

Usually don't interact with anyone outside my dumpster fire "job"

But families and friends are not always as great as they are cracked up to be

There are advantages and disadvantages to having friends and family

A couple of "friends" in the past

One "friend" Amy , had the nerve to tell me that she would tell me whenever I did something she didn't like and she expected me to change immediately drastically permanently and cheerfully

While she was not even willing to change the slightest thing she did that I did not like. Example:. Off leash dogs and jaywalking.

She sounded so judgmental and condescending but she acted like she was being nice

Furthermore it disgusts me when lil dipshits act so enthusiastic. They act like every thought and emotion that goes through their heads is the latest greatest scientific invention. Then when I say the slightest thing they half listen and grunt "huh" and "what" like they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me"

A couple of years ago, I dumped a "friend", Anthony. He refused to say "excuse me" instead of "what", and he kept telling me how bad and wrong my actions were

Anthony and Amy acted like they were doing me a favor by gracing me with their presence



Needless to say, I felt too intimidated to tell her that I didn't like it when she kept interrupting me to ask what I was gonna say. (WTF?).

Cost benefit analysis

Some precious lil "people" are not worth the energy it takes to interact with them

But they are doing their "best"

They are just being "true" to themselves

They did not invent anything. Otherwise they would have taken out a patent

They didn't set any world records


_________________________________________

"With 'friends' like that, who needs enemies?"


Hmm, you don't seem very happy, quite the opposite in fact :( Sorry to hear you have had bad experiences. Sometimes it's easy to become bitter to other people, I know I have in the past. However it's also important to realize we all have our faults and being autistic people we especially struggle with being social. I think sometimes it's better to focus on things we do have, things we are good at and that make us happy instead of these negative social experiences.

_______________________________________

The vast majority of people that I have had to interact with, act like happiness is magical and special; anger is a felony; and sadness is a catastrophe. Some people act all "buddy-buddy", when they are happy, but the second they (correctly or wrongly) think I did something wrong, they act like "Dr Jekyll and Mister Hyde).

But happiness, anger and sadness are just emotions. Happiness is not superior to sadness.

Yes I have had bad experiences. However, not all impacts are immediate obvious physical or visible. There are plenty of worse experiences in the solar system, and plenty of better ones. You can't measure quality.

It is not your fault that I had certain experiences.

Nobody is perfect.

However plenty of precious lil "people " act like they are perfect and morally superior to me

Sometimes something could appear good and be bad

And vice versa

In some situations it is necessary to make decisions based on incomplete evidence

However, a lot of entitled lil "people" go around saying "cool" this and "sucks" that

They act like they have veto authority over anything they think "sucks"

My current "friend" talks like that. She talks too much and too enthusiastically.



angeladevidso
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Joined: 31 Aug 2022
Age: 41
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Posts: 9
Location: Chicago

06 Sep 2022, 5:23 am

I agree with you. I have always been a bit of a loner. I never really felt the need to have a lot of friends. I was perfectly content spending time by myself, doing my own thing. But then I reached college and suddenly everyone was talking about the importance of making friends. I felt pressure to join a sorority or go out to parties. I tried my best to fit in, but it just wasn't me. So I stopped trying and went back to being a loner. And you know what? I was much happier. I realized that I don't need a lot of friends to be happy. As long as I have a few close friends, that's all that matters. And if I don't have any close friends, that's OK too. I'm perfectly happy being on my own.



Trachea
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Joined: 30 Aug 2022
Age: 34
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 176

07 Sep 2022, 5:03 am

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Trachea wrote:
shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Pretty much likewise except:

I don't even have anyone I could write emails to about my pathetic existence

39 years old

Zero children

Parents dead

Zero significant other

So no "family" per se

Live alone

Usually don't interact with anyone outside my dumpster fire "job"

But families and friends are not always as great as they are cracked up to be

There are advantages and disadvantages to having friends and family

A couple of "friends" in the past

One "friend" Amy , had the nerve to tell me that she would tell me whenever I did something she didn't like and she expected me to change immediately drastically permanently and cheerfully

While she was not even willing to change the slightest thing she did that I did not like. Example:. Off leash dogs and jaywalking.

She sounded so judgmental and condescending but she acted like she was being nice

Furthermore it disgusts me when lil dipshits act so enthusiastic. They act like every thought and emotion that goes through their heads is the latest greatest scientific invention. Then when I say the slightest thing they half listen and grunt "huh" and "what" like they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me"

A couple of years ago, I dumped a "friend", Anthony. He refused to say "excuse me" instead of "what", and he kept telling me how bad and wrong my actions were

Anthony and Amy acted like they were doing me a favor by gracing me with their presence



Needless to say, I felt too intimidated to tell her that I didn't like it when she kept interrupting me to ask what I was gonna say. (WTF?).

Cost benefit analysis

Some precious lil "people" are not worth the energy it takes to interact with them

But they are doing their "best"

They are just being "true" to themselves

They did not invent anything. Otherwise they would have taken out a patent

They didn't set any world records


_________________________________________

"With 'friends' like that, who needs enemies?"


Hmm, you don't seem very happy, quite the opposite in fact :( Sorry to hear you have had bad experiences. Sometimes it's easy to become bitter to other people, I know I have in the past. However it's also important to realize we all have our faults and being autistic people we especially struggle with being social. I think sometimes it's better to focus on things we do have, things we are good at and that make us happy instead of these negative social experiences.

_______________________________________

The vast majority of people that I have had to interact with, act like happiness is magical and special; anger is a felony; and sadness is a catastrophe. Some people act all "buddy-buddy", when they are happy, but the second they (correctly or wrongly) think I did something wrong, they act like "Dr Jekyll and Mister Hyde).

But happiness, anger and sadness are just emotions. Happiness is not superior to sadness.

Yes I have had bad experiences. However, not all impacts are immediate obvious physical or visible. There are plenty of worse experiences in the solar system, and plenty of better ones. You can't measure quality.

It is not your fault that I had certain experiences.

Nobody is perfect.

However plenty of precious lil "people " act like they are perfect and morally superior to me

Sometimes something could appear good and be bad

And vice versa

In some situations it is necessary to make decisions based on incomplete evidence

However, a lot of entitled lil "people" go around saying "cool" this and "sucks" that

They act like they have veto authority over anything they think "sucks"

My current "friend" talks like that. She talks too much and too enthusiastically.


I agree with many things you say.

There is a difference in emotions when sadness is a permanent state and other emotions can't get through. The same goes for forcing happiness. You can drown in lemon or in sugar, neither is good. Balance is the most difficult thing to do because life always changes even if you try to keep it the same, so a person has to adjust. It can sometimes come as a surprise and be a shock and sometimes we adjust to things with no issue.

The world already tells autistic people we are wrong in so many more and less subtle ways so for me to find balance is to try to give myself some slack and extra love whenever I can. Stims I guess are part of that in many ways. Sometimes the path of least resistance is just about not collapsing before your next rest stop, sometimes it gives you strength, it's not always so cutesy and pretty. Sometimes its just letting go of things even when you don't want to, of course, theres sadness in that too.

I guess for me happiness is not an emotion opposite to sadness, it's about having peace and peace is listening to yourse.f and acceptance, not forcing or hiding sad emotions either or anything else. I feel like what you write is that theres blame at a lot of other people. I also get that way when I am too stressed. Maybe you struggle with accepting your differences? I think it's okay. Also, neurotypical people don't all get along all the time. They struggle with emotions and friends and family and relationships too, even if we often think they have it so much easier, they always don't.



Trachea
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Joined: 30 Aug 2022
Age: 34
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 176

07 Sep 2022, 5:06 am

angeladevidso wrote:
I agree with you. I have always been a bit of a loner. I never really felt the need to have a lot of friends. I was perfectly content spending time by myself, doing my own thing. But then I reached college and suddenly everyone was talking about the importance of making friends. I felt pressure to join a sorority or go out to parties. I tried my best to fit in, but it just wasn't me. So I stopped trying and went back to being a loner. And you know what? I was much happier. I realized that I don't need a lot of friends to be happy. As long as I have a few close friends, that's all that matters. And if I don't have any close friends, that's OK too. I'm perfectly happy being on my own.


Yes :) And theres always some people around so idk, I think its okay. Friends can come and go it does not have to be so serious if we dont put so much expectations on them and ask too much from ourselves..

Sorry I wanted to write longer but I'm today all out of social energy, I suspect I wont be in wrongplanet very much this week :P