I've never made friends on a vacation before

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Joe90
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01 Oct 2022, 1:46 pm

Whenever people come back from a vacation they show me photos of them with friends they had made or tell me about them. My cousin even made a friend on the airplane even though she can be aloof. This woman seemed to really like her.

But whenever I go away I never make friends. And I don't just mean me, but whoever I go away with don't make friends either. But I know that if I wasn't with them they probably would.
It's not like I stop them or anything. In fact I love making friends when on vacation.

And it's not like I do anything to frighten people off. I'm usually quite quiet before I get to know people, but smiley and friendly and I think of nice things to say at the appropriate times, for example if they're showing me a new shirt they bought I'd say "that looks really nice, it suits you" whether I like the shirt or not. You know, genuine social pleasantries. It's not hard.

But it seems that most of the time people see me and go running for the hills even though I'm not creepy looking. The vibes I give off are lack of intelligence vibes, which means I usually look like I have learning difficulties, although my speech is normal and I have an expressive face. I make eye contact too and smile.

What am I supposed to do when attracting friends on holiday? Do the cancan dance or something?


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kraftiekortie
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02 Oct 2022, 6:07 am

I’ve never made any friends on vacation, either.

I tend to be focused on doing the “tourist” thing.

It would actually be nice if I made friends with people who live in the locale where I’m a tourist.



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02 Oct 2022, 6:47 am

Joe90 wrote:
What am I supposed to do when attracting friends on holiday?


Your guess is as good as mine. I don't get how my sisters do it. It's gotta either be some extra negative vibe I give off that keeps me from making connections, or some positive vibe that my sisters give off but I don't that help them make friends but not me. I'm talking about "vibes" because I can't name any particular thing or things that I would always do or not do that would be the problem, so it's gotta be some kind of abstract social mumble jumble that I either do when I shouldn't or don't do when I should that messes things up. The fact that they're pretty and I'm not could be the reason sometimes, but it doesn't explain all the times. Like, I should at least be able to make friends with fellow not pretty people, right?



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02 Oct 2022, 8:29 am

Holiday friendships are very quick fire and they're only meant to last for the week or two that you're there. Some people stay in touch afterwards, most people promise to stay in touch but most don't.

People can get politeness from anywhere, politeness won't cement a friendship. Most people want someone who they don't have to try with on holiday. It's not about deep and meaningful conversations or pouring your heart out. It's light and to be honest probably quite meaningless. So that when they go home they can look at the photos and have good memories.

If people see that you are having a good time with your family or even on your own then they would maybe more likely to be attracted to you.


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03 Oct 2022, 10:08 am

babybird wrote:
Holiday friendships are very quick fire and they're only meant to last for the week or two that you're there. Some people stay in touch afterwards, most people promise to stay in touch but most don't.


Hmm, but I'd gladly take a short holiday friendship over nothing too, even though I'd prefer a longer one... but nope, I just can't seem to pull it off. Not that I've had that many chances to try, so maybe I'd get better with practice? Or maybe the problem I have is my (lack of) language skills? I can write and read English well, but my ability to understand what I hear is clearly weaker and my ability to speak even worse than that.



Joe90
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03 Oct 2022, 5:49 pm

When I go on a vacation I don't consciously focus my whole time on making friends, so it's not like I stand over people like a creep hoping they'll become my friend, because I'm more socially adept than that. But I'm not cold or aloof either. I'm cheerful and smiley and relaxed and just enjoying my vacation, but I'm also open to small talk and greetings from other tourists or even locals.

From the outside I don't look "autistic". I don't have odd actions like visible stimming. I don't flap my hands or rock when I'm alone so I definitely don't do it when out. I don't do it at all. Also eye contact is natural to me and I...OK I'm not going to start going into every teeny, tiny last detail of what I do but what I'm saying is I know I don't do anything that's out of the ordinary.


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03 Oct 2022, 6:18 pm

I haven't made friends in vacation either. And now that I read that other people do, I feel even worse. I used to worried how being months in one place won't make me friends. But now I see that others make friends even within a couple of hours max (how much longer would they spend on one place when they are on a vacation?)



Joe90
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03 Oct 2022, 7:22 pm

QFT wrote:
I haven't made friends in vacation either. And now that I read that other people do, I feel even worse. I used to worried how being months in one place won't make me friends. But now I see that others make friends even within a couple of hours max (how much longer would they spend on one place when they are on a vacation?)


It's disheartening. :cry: I mean, whenever I go on vacations with others, they don't make friends either, but when people I know go on vacation and I don't go with them, they make friends. I don't get it. Must be me giving off extremely bad vibes even though I can't really do anything to change that because I look and act normal already. So it makes me feel miserable that if I'm going to give off the wrong vibes all my life without me doing anything different to encourage the vibes then God help me.


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03 Oct 2022, 7:28 pm

Do you try to engage people? I've usually had decent luck finding single-serving friends when I'm willing to make the effort to be outgoing. I only very rarely do when I'm more withdrawn.


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04 Oct 2022, 10:34 am

Joe90 wrote:
It's disheartening. :cry: I mean, whenever I go on vacations with others, they don't make friends either, but when people I know go on vacation and I don't go with them, they make friends.


Maybe you're just so good of a company for them that they don't feel like they need to bother making new friends when they have you around? And when you're not there, they try to find a Joe 02?

And perhaps the reason you can't make friends on vacations despite this is that your good sides only come up bit by bit, which is why you have friends but fail to make them in very short periods of time?



Joe90
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04 Oct 2022, 10:46 am

Quote:
Maybe you're just so good of a company for them that they don't feel like they need to bother making new friends when they have you around? And when you're not there, they try to find a Joe 02?


Must be it, although I fail to see how, although I do appreciate the compliment. :)

Quote:
And perhaps the reason you can't make friends on vacations despite this is that your good sides only come up bit by bit, which is why you have friends but fail to make them in very short periods of time?

Must be it too.

I remember when my mum and aunt went on a coach tour they made friends with two elderly ladies and had photos taken with them. Then when I went with them on a coach tour nobody made friends with us.


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jimmyjazzuk
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04 Oct 2022, 4:51 pm

Isnt it like 1 in 100 who are autistic. And dont a lot of autistic people stay at home. So the odds are perhaps not in our favour to meet someone we click with on holiday.

I know i self sabotage too, because of anxiety and past failures. Im conflicted, Id like connection but also i like to stay in my safe bubble and dread committing to any friendship obligations.

I think i want a friend completely on my terms which is not really how it works!



Last edited by jimmyjazzuk on 04 Oct 2022, 5:01 pm, edited 3 times in total.

IsabellaLinton
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04 Oct 2022, 4:53 pm

It never occurred to me to want to make friends on vacation.
When I go on holiday it's because I want a break and some solitude.
That's the same thing I want at home, but with better scenery.



Joe90
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04 Oct 2022, 5:05 pm

Well I'm naturally social, which is why I don't always identify as autistic. I like getting to know people and I'm interested in people.


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funeralxempire
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04 Oct 2022, 5:08 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Well I'm naturally social, which is why I don't always identify as autistic. I like getting to know people and I'm interested in people.


Isn't that just being an extrovert? Autism doesn't require one to be an introvert, although trauma seems to lead to a lot of us neglecting social needs.


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IsabellaLinton
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04 Oct 2022, 5:28 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Well I'm naturally social, which is why I don't always identify as autistic. I like getting to know people and I'm interested in people.


Isn't that just being an extrovert? Autism doesn't require one to be an introvert, although trauma seems to lead to a lot of us neglecting social needs.


I'm very interested in people, but from a distance.
I don't have much or any interest in talking to them.
My social need is to be alone, or with someone I know.
Total strangers? Nope. Totally off the radar.
I'd have to know them first online.

Yes I agree trauma has a lot to do with it, in terms of hyper-vigilance.
Sensory disorders also play a big role (I hate people noises).