Maybe I should go ahead and date non-whites

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QFT
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05 Oct 2022, 10:16 pm

Up till now my criteria used to be the following:

DEAL BREAKERS:

1) Divorced
2) Already has children
3) Doesn't want future children
4) Non-white
5) Older than 40 (which, as of now, became "older than 42" as I myself turned 42)

BAD BUT NOT A DEAL BREAKER:

6) Bad education
7) Ill health
8 ) Difference in beliefs
9) On disability

As I was desperate, I was willing to settle for extreme cases of 6, 7, 8, 9. And this made me wonder: am I really sure that 300 lbl woman with severe physical and mental problems, who is on disability, is actually better than 25 year old skinny Chinese woman who is healthy and has Ph.D.?



Last edited by magz on 06 Oct 2022, 2:46 am, edited 1 time in total.: Blatantly racist content removed

IsabellaLinton
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05 Oct 2022, 11:04 pm

Where on your list is:

- You like her
- She likes you
- There's chemistry
- You have a good time together
- You fit her list of prewritten criteria
- You communicate well as a couple

??


Otherwise you might as well date a sex doll.
Your description sounds like it could come from a catalogue.



CockneyRebel
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05 Oct 2022, 11:06 pm

I think you should date whoever you want, no matter what the colour of their skin is.


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QFT
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05 Oct 2022, 11:21 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Where on your list is:

- You like her


Thats the only part I overlook cause I settle. I do pay attention to the rest of the parts. Let me demonstrate:

IsabellaLinton wrote:
- She likes you


The whole entire reason why I have to settle is that most women don't like me. So if I didn't care whether she likes me or not I wouldn't be settling. The fact that I do, means that I do care about her liking me.

To further demonstrate that I care about woman liking me, let me ask myself why do I want woman on the first place? No its not sex. Its self-validation. Now, self-validation goal won't be fulfilled if she didn't like me.

IsabellaLinton wrote:
- There's chemistry


The "her like me" part of the chemistry IS important. Self validation, remember?

The "I like her" part is a lot less important, though.

IsabellaLinton wrote:
- You have a good time together


Yes, this is important. Thats what I miss from past relationships. AND it is logically linked to "she likes me".

IsabellaLinton wrote:
- You fit her list of prewritten criteria


That is again linked to "she likes me".

By the way I remember times when, from my perspective, I met her criteria, but she didn't agree. From my perspective she mis-evaluated me and attributed to me characteristics that don't describe me. And I felt frustrated I wasn't given a chance to prove my true self.

IsabellaLinton wrote:
- You communicate well as a couple


That is probably one of the main reasons why nobody likes me. So yes, that is very important to me.

Miscommunications made me feel misunderstood, feeling misunderstood made me feel invalidated, feeling invalidated made me desperate for a relationship.

So I want a relationship to feel understood and validated.

This is implicit behind ALL my posts. Thats why I didn't bother mentioning it. But it IS very much the context of the whole thing.



IsabellaLinton
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05 Oct 2022, 11:29 pm

My point is that if you like her and she likes you, none of the other stuff really matters.
It's normal to have a few dealbreakers but it seems like you're narrowing the playing field considerably.
Top of my list was always "I really like them".
That in itself can take months to determine.



QFT
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05 Oct 2022, 11:34 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
That in itself can take months to determine.


I agree. But that is the point most women don't seem to get. 99.99% of women decide they don't like me just by watching me walk down the street, which is why they don't bother even say hello to me. Then those rare ones that do say hello to me, decide they don't like me after just few minutes of conversation. And if I am really lucky to get a date, then a woman can decide she doesn't like me after an hour of a date (or however our coffee takes). And then if I am super lucky to get second date, then a woman can decide she doesn't like me within few days. And then there were very few who did stick around for months (well the three girlfriends I had my entire life). But there were things seriously wrong with them (the ones I listed in 6,7,8,9). So now you see where I am coming from?



IsabellaLinton
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05 Oct 2022, 11:38 pm

Right.

But now you're going to add parameters like how old they have to be, they can't be divorced or have children, etc.
Those sound like you are disqualifying quite a few people before you even give them a chance.
I'm not going to get into the race issue because I've said it all to you before.

What's wrong with divorced women?
What about a widow?
Are you lowkey saying she has to be a virgin?



QFT
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05 Oct 2022, 11:47 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
But now you're going to add parameters like how old they have to be, they can't be divorced or have children, etc.


I am not "adding" those parameters: I had those parameters all along. If you read my OP, you will see that I was describing parameters I used to have, in the past tense. Then I talked about contemplating the possibility of "dropping" one of them (the race one) while still not being willing to drop the other ones.

IsabellaLinton wrote:
What's wrong with divorced women?


Because Jesus said in Matthew 5:32 "whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery"

IsabellaLinton wrote:
What about a widow?


I guess that is better because Paul actually talked about the widow as an example of when she is free to marry another. But I guess psychologically it feels the same way as marrying someone divorced. Thats why I can't bring myself to do it. But I realize that biblically it is better.

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Are you lowkey saying she has to be a virgin?


Since there are so few virgins, I can't afford to say this. So I was overlooking the issue as to whether my gf is a virgin, although I myself am a virgin.

And, finally, as far as the woman wanting kids for the future. Simple. I want to reproduce. So if her dating profile says "does not want children", that would end my genetic line. So that is a deal breaker.



r00tb33r
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05 Oct 2022, 11:51 pm

That list is scary, that said, I realize I'm so picky that I feel guilty about it. The "shopping" aspect of dating I always found to be repulsive. And that's all that I'll say.


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that1weirdgrrrl
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06 Oct 2022, 12:02 am

I used to tell myself, "talking to them doesn't mean I have to enter a relationship with them."

Just start some conversations, and get to know some humans. Some of them might surprise you.


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QFT
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06 Oct 2022, 12:17 am

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
I used to tell myself, "talking to them doesn't mean I have to enter a relationship with them."

Just start some conversations, and get to know some humans. Some of them might surprise you.


I am not saying that "talking means I need to start a relationship". I do say, however, that "I need a relationship with someone to feel validated". So if talking will lead to a network that would lead to a relationship with a friend of a friend, then yes it would be worth it.

As a matter of fact, that is what I hope for when I go to a church where most people are over 50 years of age. But it is not working out since nobody seems to want to talk to me, not even the elderly.



IsabellaLinton
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06 Oct 2022, 12:23 am

You need a relationship to feel validated?
Validated at what?
Aren't you validated as a single person?

If my partner wanted me to validate him, I'd run.
I don't want anyone depending on me for their sense of self.
imo, that shouldn't be anyone's job but your own.

I think relationships are about enjoying time together.
I don't think they're about the other person "validating" them.



magz
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06 Oct 2022, 2:54 am

 ! magz wrote:
The cringy paragraphs have been removed, the poster received a warning.
There are relatively many useful suggestions in this thread, so for now, despite being controversial by itself, the thread remains.


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magz
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06 Oct 2022, 3:06 am

Non-moderationally (moderational response went through a different channel):
OP, if you think getting married would end the relationship drama and let you focus on Math and Physics, you know nothing about relationships.
If you don't want relationship drama, remain single. That's an absolutely valid choice.


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QFT
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06 Oct 2022, 3:17 am

magz wrote:
If you don't want relationship drama, remain single. That's an absolutely valid choice.


Being single in and of itself is a drama:

--- Watching people in relationships and seeing myself as the only single one.

--- Facing the fact that my genetic line will die out

--- When people don't even bother asking me if I am in a relationship, as if they all assume I should die single and childless

--- Being without friends when nobody talks to me

--- When I complain about not having friends people assume I actually mean friends and give me friend-wise advice. It never crosses their mind that I am upset about being single, too, because they assume I am undatable



magz
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06 Oct 2022, 3:23 am

QFT wrote:
--- When I complain about not having friends people assume I actually mean friends

And I always interpreted you as super-literal... You don't want friends?

So what exactly do you want?

Do you have a cat?


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