Maybe I should go ahead and date non-whites

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magz
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06 Oct 2022, 11:49 am

You're aware that you can be emotionally abusive not wanting it and not even realizing it?

Like, what I and Isabella pointed out, by having unrealistic expectations while being judgemental?

Not meeting a partner's needs while demanding oneself's needs to be met is a common form of emotional abuse.


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06 Oct 2022, 11:52 am

rse92 wrote:
I actually read through your entire response to my post.

I will respond with a parable, which is actually a true story but which you should understand as a parable.

I have brother who lives in California and married a woman out there. Her family is very close and lives nearby, while he has no family within 3000 miles. Her family has effectively adopted him, regards him very highly and respects him.

His wife has a nephew who fell (?) several floors from a hotel balcony. He survived but was paralyzed from the neck down.

The boy's extended family, including my brother and sister in law, visited him as often as possible in the hospital. They maintained a positive outlook and tried to keep him positive and optimistic.

Unfortunately but perhaps understandably the nephew was very bitter about his circumstances. He would take out his bitterness on his family visitors. Relentlessly. They would visit, and he would respond to their kindnesses with disdain. They did their best to understand, but it became a chore to visit and be received by anger.

One day my brother visited the nephew alone. He told the young man that his family grieved for him, prayed for him, and maintained optimism. He told the nephew he knew well the suffering and burden of the young man. But he also told the nephew that if continued to take out his anger, frustration and bitterness against the people in the world who most love him, if he continued to push people away, they would accept the nephew's invitation and go away.

The young man realized that his troubles, no matter how severe, did not give him the right to be a sh-thead to people, even and especially his loved ones. He got right. Maybe because of that he made a full recovery.

That's my parable to you.


I agree this applies to me.

But the question remains. In his case, there was no factual miscommunication. In my case, there was.

Because notice how they didn't tell him how they would make up some false stories about him as tools to get rid of him. They just said they would get rid of him. See the difference?

If in my case they were to say "you are being too negative, we are tired", then okay its frustrating but its their right. But thats not the only thing they said, is it? Apart from that, they also misrepresented a bunch of facts. And misrepresentation of facts is what that list was focusing on.



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06 Oct 2022, 11:53 am

magz wrote:
You're aware that you can be emotionally abusive not wanting it and not even realizing it?


I thought the notion of emotional abuse means something done on purpose?

When you don't realize something, isn't it the definition of Asperger?



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06 Oct 2022, 11:56 am

klanka wrote:
Those incidents you just wrote about seem like a curse to me, ,million to one unfortunate events and misunderstandings.
I have suffered similar and still am.

I watched Derek Prince videos and he was talking about curses so thats how i know about the subject.

I was asking God the reasons and i got several:
-because i got lonely and texted my wife whom i am seperated from. She isnt my friend but im texting her like she is.
-i was volunteering too much, im the one who needs help and volunteering when you need to help yourself is foolish, foolishness is a sin according to the bible
-doing too much religious activity like praying fasting reading the bible evangelising...because you cant please God by doing these things. SO if you do them to excess you are simply torturing yourself and not leaving time and energy for practical things.
-unconfessed sin
I think he said I just need to tell my friend some sins i did and then i'll get a job, of course we never know when we are really hearing from God, but this is not a dangerous or risky thing to do , so i'll try it out.


If God wanted to teach you a lesson, why would God do so by misrepresenting facts? Misrepresenting facts would just get me even more confused as opposed to teaching me something.



rse92
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06 Oct 2022, 11:58 am

QFT wrote:
rse92 wrote:
I actually read through your entire response to my post.

I will respond with a parable, which is actually a true story but which you should understand as a parable.

I have brother who lives in California and married a woman out there. Her family is very close and lives nearby, while he has no family within 3000 miles. Her family has effectively adopted him, regards him very highly and respects him.

His wife has a nephew who fell (?) several floors from a hotel balcony. He survived but was paralyzed from the neck down.

The boy's extended family, including my brother and sister in law, visited him as often as possible in the hospital. They maintained a positive outlook and tried to keep him positive and optimistic.

Unfortunately but perhaps understandably the nephew was very bitter about his circumstances. He would take out his bitterness on his family visitors. Relentlessly. They would visit, and he would respond to their kindnesses with disdain. They did their best to understand, but it became a chore to visit and be received by anger.

One day my brother visited the nephew alone. He told the young man that his family grieved for him, prayed for him, and maintained optimism. He told the nephew he knew well the suffering and burden of the young man. But he also told the nephew that if continued to take out his anger, frustration and bitterness against the people in the world who most love him, if he continued to push people away, they would accept the nephew's invitation and go away.

The young man realized that his troubles, no matter how severe, did not give him the right to be a sh-thead to people, even and especially his loved ones. He got right. Maybe because of that he made a full recovery.

That's my parable to you.


I agree this applies to me.

But the question remains. In his case, there was no factual miscommunication. In my case, there was.

Because notice how they didn't tell him how they would make up some false stories about him as tools to get rid of him. They just said they would get rid of him. See the difference?

If in my case they were to say "you are being too negative, we are tired", then okay its frustrating but its their right. But thats not the only thing they said, is it? Apart from that, they also misrepresented a bunch of facts. And misrepresentation of facts is what that list was focusing on.


I will repeat having read that entire tome that women understand you perfectly well. You may not like it, but they see you for who you are. You have to change. Women don't.

You think a woman misunderstood that you called her the N-word when you actually called the black fellow the N-word. She understood that you use the N-word nonchalantly and didn't want to have anything to do with someone like that.

Just like the woman who told you you were talking at her; she understood you perfectly well.



magz
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06 Oct 2022, 12:00 pm

No. People without Asperger's absolutely can be emotionally abusive without realizing it. Many personality disorders are all about it.

Harm is harm. Abuse is abuse. Intentional or not, realized or not.

Expecting your partner to keep meeting your needs when you never meet theirs is a common form of emotional abuse - no matter what's the mechanism that leads to this situation.

I agree with rse92: women understand perfectly what they need to understand about you. And run away. Why would anyone want to enter a relationship where she is treated like air while judged, while expected to solve all your social problems?


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klanka
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06 Oct 2022, 12:03 pm

Do you mean: why do the misunderstandings happen that you experienced with the women like ginger you were talking about?

I dont know why that would be used to teach you a lesson.

The incident with the Chinese girl really seems like a curse because she misrepresented you in her mind to such a high degree , that it was ridiculous.
I'm not really the expert on how to get out of these things cos I'm still experiencing trouble that is like million-to-one chance things and ridiculous behaviour from others myself.

Have you tried praying about it?



magz
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06 Oct 2022, 12:39 pm

The "Chinese girl incident" is an example of finite resources I talked about:
She had a lot of patience for you so you demanded more and more of it. At some point, she ran out of her patience. Her reaction was about you complaining and demanding answers all the time, which at some point completely depleted her.


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06 Oct 2022, 12:41 pm

rse92 wrote:
I will repeat having read that entire tome that women understand you perfectly well. You may not like it, but they see you for who you are.


Well, if tomorrow my thesis advisor were to tell me that I am not working on his project and doing my own projects instead that he told me many times to stop doing, so he will stop working with me, I won't like it. But that would be the truth.

Similarly, if my mom tells me that I should have had several thousands dollars from the time I was living at home due to covid isolation while still getting my salary, and the sole reason I don't have it is that I was careless with money, I won't like it either. But that is also the truth.

So you see, I know the difference between something thats true that I don't like, and something that is plainly false.

The examples on that long list are the things that are plainly false.

rse92 wrote:
You think a woman misunderstood that you called her the N-word when you actually called the black fellow the N-word. She understood that you use the N-word nonchalantly and didn't want to have anything to do with someone like that.


Fact remains: she said I directed N-word at her when I haven't.

Besides, thats not the only thing she accused me of. She also said I was "enraged" that she didn't respond to my facebook, when actually I told her I was "enraged" at Hannah, not her. And she said I was going to follow her to the library to ask that, when I wasn't.

And, last but not least, Dana wasn't the only example. What about Chinese girl who thought I wanted to ask her about the bathroom when I wasn't? What about Jewish club where they thought I was talking about sex when I wasn't?

rse92 wrote:
Just like the woman who told you you were talking at her; she understood you perfectly well.


I still don't see how I was talking "at" her. If that was the case, I wouldn't be obsessing about it afterwords. In fact I wouldn't even notice how she stopped responding: I won't expect a brick wall to respond anyway. The reason I got so upset is that I expected empathetic response and got cold shoulder instead. This implies I paid attention. Which implies I talked "to" her. I don't get why she doesn't follow that simple logic.



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06 Oct 2022, 12:45 pm

magz wrote:
The "Chinese girl incident" is an example of finite resources I talked about:
She had a lot of patience for you so you demanded more and more of it. At some point, she ran out of her patience. Her reaction was about you complaining and demanding answers all the time, which at some point completely depleted her.


The only problem is that this is not what she said. Instead, she said that I was asking her about the bathroom, which I wasn't. So are you saying that if someone is upset at me for A, they can lie that I am guilty of B, just to get rid of me?



magz
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06 Oct 2022, 12:47 pm

You put a lot of focus into factual miscommunications while the real miscommunication happens on a different plane: people get angry at you and you don't back off and apologize. Instead, you cling to inaccuracies they say while angry.

People are inaccurate when angry. That's normal. Clinging to these inaccuracies makes them more angry and likely hate you - because it's disrespecting their feelings (in this case, anger).


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rse92
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06 Oct 2022, 1:13 pm

QFT wrote:
I still don't see how I was talking "at" her. If that was the case, I wouldn't be obsessing about it afterwords. In fact I wouldn't even notice how she stopped responding: I won't expect a brick wall to respond anyway. The reason I got so upset is that I expected empathetic response and got cold shoulder instead. This implies I paid attention. Which implies I talked "to" her. I don't get why she doesn't follow that simple logic.


I suggest you learn what it means to talk at people rather than to talk to people.

Talking at people is having a one way conversation with another person.



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06 Oct 2022, 1:24 pm

Reading this makes me feel better about being single...


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06 Oct 2022, 1:38 pm

magz wrote:
People are inaccurate when angry.


Good that you brought it up. Now the question is, why is it the case? Is it

a) Their actual perceptions are distorted due to anger so they, in fact, believe the stuff they said to be true

or

b) They know the stuff they say is not true, but they purposely lie in order to ruin my reputation

If it is "a", then are you saying that when people are angry they are too agitated to think clearly? If so, that would only apply to situations when they say something at the heat of the moment. The Jewish club situation was not "in the heat of the moment" since I only learned that I supposedly "talked about sex" when I asked about it many months later. That would have been enough time for them to cool down. The Dana situation is a lot closer to "heat of the moment" but even then a few days have passed since she said this at the group counselling meeting, and we met only once a week.



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06 Oct 2022, 1:44 pm

rse92 wrote:
QFT wrote:
I still don't see how I was talking "at" her. If that was the case, I wouldn't be obsessing about it afterwords. In fact I wouldn't even notice how she stopped responding: I won't expect a brick wall to respond anyway. The reason I got so upset is that I expected empathetic response and got cold shoulder instead. This implies I paid attention. Which implies I talked "to" her. I don't get why she doesn't follow that simple logic.


I suggest you learn what it means to talk at people rather than to talk to people.

Talking at people is having a one way conversation with another person.


As far as "one sided conversation", I admit to this. That part is, in fact, factually true. But talking "at" people sounds different. It sounds as if you perceive them as a brick wall and don't hear them. But that's not true in my case.

When I have one-sided conversation I very much do listen to other people. In fact, this very thread is a good example of one-sided conversation. Yet I listen to everything being said and respond. Thats why "one sided" and "talking at people" sound like two different things to me.

Could it be that the reason people treat it as a synonums is the "collective misunderstanding". As in, they make a general assumption that when people have one-sided conversation they don't listen to the response? And that assumption might very well be false (just like its false in my case). Yet people still make it.



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06 Oct 2022, 1:46 pm

Are you sure you want to be with a non-white partner? You won't do anything to hurt her?


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