Dating sites: Good? No good?

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rse92
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14 Oct 2022, 3:59 pm

I did online dating off and on from late 2004 until winter of 2014 when I met my second wife (online). I'd be lying if I didn't have advantages that likely made me more eligible than most men online. But few of the women I met (and I dated probably 40+ over the years and had short or shortish relationships with four of those in addition to my future wife) contacted me first.

My first contact would go like this: I viewed your profile and thought we might have much in common. If feel similarly, why don't you drop me a note? If not, I wish you all the best.

Another pro tip: once you have a texting or e-mail conversation, ask to speak with her (or him) over the phone. You get a lot more from a phone conversation. More than a few times I got off the phone and deposited their profiles in the rhetorical circular file.

I will share a line from my profile. It was "I have a mother and my children have a mother. I am not looking to fill either position." A lot of woman liked that.



rse92
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14 Oct 2022, 4:01 pm

I'll add that if you are not eligible in real life, you won't eligible to women or men in online dating.



SkinnyElephant
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14 Oct 2022, 4:25 pm

Lost_dragon wrote:
Your results may vary. Personally, no, they haven't worked for me. I think that one problem is that there's a significant crowd who aren't actually there to meet people. They're there to gain followers on their social media, viewership for their music or streaming channel, or therapy. It's not great being used like that and lengthy conversations that go on for a while but you never meet are typically a bad sign. Admittedly it would hurt when I'd felt like I'd built up a connection over several weeks and then I'd be blocked when I suggested meeting up. You don't want to ask to meet in your first message, but if you leave it too long then it's probably not going to happen. Also, I'd recommend inviting them to a video chat before trying to meet up. I've come to the conclusion that I may never meet anyone but I'm trying not to feel bitter about it.


I know what you mean. Wasting your time on a dating site user, only to find out they won't meet up with you.

One thing I ran into quite a bit: They SAID they wanted to meet up. Then when push came to shove, they either blew me off or made excuses.

Then some users make it clear right off the bat they don't want to meet up with anyone. I admire the honesty.



Muse933277
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18 Oct 2022, 11:42 pm

Online dating is actually a good way of telling how physically attractive you are, since online dating is mostly based on physical appearance.


If you're able to get matches and dates without much difficulty, furthermore, with women who are conventionally pretty, you're probably a fairly attractive guy. When other guys complain about not being able to get any matches or any dates off of online dating and you have no idea what the hell they're talking about and you think they're simply not trying hard enough, you're probably a pretty good looking guy.


On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you've been using online dating for months and months, have good pictures, a decent bio, and you're STILL having a hard time getting matches or dates, furthermore, when you do get matches, they're fat and ugly girls, you're probably on the lower end of average, with a strong possibility of being below average looking. If all of your friends are getting dates and getting laid off of online dating, and you're doing the same things they're doing, but aren't getting any matches or dates, again you're probably not that attractive.



The bottom line is online dating will always work best for men who are a 7+ on the 1-10 lookscale. If you're an 8, then great! You'll love Tinder! If you're a 4, then Tinder will be crap. It's that simple.


:!: ----------Disclaimer----------- This really only applies to guys because let's be honest, any woman, even if she's a 300 pound behemoth is going to get matches no matter what.



RetroGamer87
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19 Oct 2022, 7:09 am

They're good. Most of my dates have come from dating sites.


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SkinnyElephant
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19 Oct 2022, 9:29 am

Muse933277 wrote:
Online dating is actually a good way of telling how physically attractive you are, since online dating is mostly based on physical appearance.


If you're able to get matches and dates without much difficulty, furthermore, with women who are conventionally pretty, you're probably a fairly attractive guy. When other guys complain about not being able to get any matches or any dates off of online dating and you have no idea what the hell they're talking about and you think they're simply not trying hard enough, you're probably a pretty good looking guy.


On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you've been using online dating for months and months, have good pictures, a decent bio, and you're STILL having a hard time getting matches or dates, furthermore, when you do get matches, they're fat and ugly girls, you're probably on the lower end of average, with a strong possibility of being below average looking. If all of your friends are getting dates and getting laid off of online dating, and you're doing the same things they're doing, but aren't getting any matches or dates, again you're probably not that attractive.



The bottom line is online dating will always work best for men who are a 7+ on the 1-10 lookscale. If you're an 8, then great! You'll love Tinder! If you're a 4, then Tinder will be crap. It's that simple.


:!: ----------Disclaimer----------- This really only applies to guys because let's be honest, any woman, even if she's a 300 pound behemoth is going to get matches no matter what.


It's not like the decision to date a user on a dating site is purely based on looks though. You have to message back and forth (and convince the other party to give you a chance). When you're on the spectrum, the messaging process could tank your chances (even if you have good looks)



Muse933277
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19 Oct 2022, 1:00 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
Online dating is actually a good way of telling how physically attractive you are, since online dating is mostly based on physical appearance.


If you're able to get matches and dates without much difficulty, furthermore, with women who are conventionally pretty, you're probably a fairly attractive guy. When other guys complain about not being able to get any matches or any dates off of online dating and you have no idea what the hell they're talking about and you think they're simply not trying hard enough, you're probably a pretty good looking guy.


On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you've been using online dating for months and months, have good pictures, a decent bio, and you're STILL having a hard time getting matches or dates, furthermore, when you do get matches, they're fat and ugly girls, you're probably on the lower end of average, with a strong possibility of being below average looking. If all of your friends are getting dates and getting laid off of online dating, and you're doing the same things they're doing, but aren't getting any matches or dates, again you're probably not that attractive.



The bottom line is online dating will always work best for men who are a 7+ on the 1-10 lookscale. If you're an 8, then great! You'll love Tinder! If you're a 4, then Tinder will be crap. It's that simple.


:!: ----------Disclaimer----------- This really only applies to guys because let's be honest, any woman, even if she's a 300 pound behemoth is going to get matches no matter what.


It's not like the decision to date a user on a dating site is purely based on looks though. You have to message back and forth (and convince the other party to give you a chance). When you're on the spectrum, the messaging process could tank your chances (even if you have good looks)




Yeah, you know all this dating crap, it's a game that I simply wasn't designed to be good at.

It's kind of like a short, fat, slow, uncoordinated, and blind kid trying to be good at basketball, it's just never going to happen.



RetroGamer87
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19 Oct 2022, 4:13 pm

AutomatedStar wrote:
They are a good indicator of where you stand in the dating world. If you struggle to find someone attracted to you there
That's a good point. I really think that's true.
rse92 wrote:
I did online dating off and on from late 2004 until winter of 2014 when I met my second wife (online). I'd be lying if I didn't have advantages that likely made me more eligible than most men online.
What kind of advantages?
Muse933277 wrote:
Online dating is actually a good way of telling how physically attractive you are, since online dating is mostly based on physical appearance.

If you're able to get matches and dates without much difficulty, furthermore, with women who are conventionally pretty, you're probably a fairly attractive guy.
I believe you are wrong. I've dated some pretty women from dating sites and my partner now is quite attractive (albiet a handful at times) and I met her on a dating site.

I think the quantity and attractiveness of my dates has always been proportional to my income. When I was working 8 hours per week in a very entry level job I didn't get many first dates. When I was working full time in a more profiessional job I got more/better matches.

Note that I don't think any of the women I dated were "gold diggers". I honestly think that middle class women just want to date within the same income bracket. With similar incomes, we can buy a house together (which we have done) and travel overseas together (which we have done).

If these women had met me when I was working 8 hours per week they would feel like they have to support me financially. It's a two way street because I also don't want to date impoverished women who would become financially dependent on me. There was a guy at work who dated (and later married) a homeless woman he met on the train. She really took advantage of him. She never worked or helped financially and now he's the sole provider for himself, his wife, their son, his wife's live-in boyfriend and the son his wife had with her live-in boyfriend.


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SkinnyElephant
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19 Oct 2022, 4:29 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
Online dating is actually a good way of telling how physically attractive you are, since online dating is mostly based on physical appearance.


If you're able to get matches and dates without much difficulty, furthermore, with women who are conventionally pretty, you're probably a fairly attractive guy. When other guys complain about not being able to get any matches or any dates off of online dating and you have no idea what the hell they're talking about and you think they're simply not trying hard enough, you're probably a pretty good looking guy.


On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you've been using online dating for months and months, have good pictures, a decent bio, and you're STILL having a hard time getting matches or dates, furthermore, when you do get matches, they're fat and ugly girls, you're probably on the lower end of average, with a strong possibility of being below average looking. If all of your friends are getting dates and getting laid off of online dating, and you're doing the same things they're doing, but aren't getting any matches or dates, again you're probably not that attractive.



The bottom line is online dating will always work best for men who are a 7+ on the 1-10 lookscale. If you're an 8, then great! You'll love Tinder! If you're a 4, then Tinder will be crap. It's that simple.


:!: ----------Disclaimer----------- This really only applies to guys because let's be honest, any woman, even if she's a 300 pound behemoth is going to get matches no matter what.


It's not like the decision to date a user on a dating site is purely based on looks though. You have to message back and forth (and convince the other party to give you a chance). When you're on the spectrum, the messaging process could tank your chances (even if you have good looks)




Yeah, you know all this dating crap, it's a game that I simply wasn't designed to be good at.

It's kind of like a short, fat, slow, uncoordinated, and blind kid trying to be good at basketball, it's just never going to happen.


I have good looks. Yet most (if not all) of the successes I've had on dating sites have been fat and/or strange.

When messaging on dating sites, my spectrum qualities negate my looks.

That being said, my (as well as everyone on here's) spectrum qualities come out way more in person. Dating sites (or any online forums) at least muffle my spectrum qualities to some degree.



Mountain Goat
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19 Oct 2022, 5:38 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
There was a guy at work who dated (and later married) a homeless woman he met on the train. She really took advantage of him. She never worked or helped financially and now he's the sole provider for himself, his wife, their son, his wife's live-in boyfriend and the son his wife had with her live-in boyfriend.


I am surprized he has not kicked them out.



RetroGamer87
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20 Oct 2022, 2:20 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
There was a guy at work who dated (and later married) a homeless woman he met on the train. She really took advantage of him. She never worked or helped financially and now he's the sole provider for himself, his wife, their son, his wife's live-in boyfriend and the son his wife had with her live-in boyfriend.


I am surprized he has not kicked them out.


It is surprising. Especially since he comes from a very traditional protestant Christian background. You would think that would make him less tollerent of infidelity.


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24 Oct 2022, 4:07 pm

I've never used an online dating site, but back in the day I used postal dating services a few times, and I guess they must have a lot in common.

I quite liked the postal thing. You'd put a blurb in about yourself and / or read blurbs from other people of the opposite sex, pick one you liked the sound of, and write to them to see if they were interested in you. If all went well you'd exchange a letter or two, then a photo, then you'd meet up and take it from there. From that point onwards it was just like any other way of meeting somebody with a view to a relationship.

One criticism of the "dating through a medium" thing is that it attracts a lot of people who can't find partners any other way, and there might be good or bad reasons for them resorting to that process. It might mean there's something nasty about them that's stopping them from finding mates in the "normal" way, or there might be a perfectly good reason. The ones I found weren't noticably different from the ones I found by other routes. It might be a dangerous thing for a vulnerable person to try, but the same could be said for any kind of dating. Possibly it's more dangerous online because of modern scams.

I did notice that hardly any of the blurbs seemed like they'd be my type, so it was often a slow process like finding a needle in a haystack. It helped me focus on what kind of partner I wanted and what kind I didn't want.



SkinnyElephant
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24 Oct 2022, 7:05 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
I've never used an online dating site, but back in the day I used postal dating services a few times, and I guess they must have a lot in common.

I quite liked the postal thing. You'd put a blurb in about yourself and / or read blurbs from other people of the opposite sex, pick one you liked the sound of, and write to them to see if they were interested in you. If all went well you'd exchange a letter or two, then a photo, then you'd meet up and take it from there. From that point onwards it was just like any other way of meeting somebody with a view to a relationship.

One criticism of the "dating through a medium" thing is that it attracts a lot of people who can't find partners any other way, and there might be good or bad reasons for them resorting to that process. It might mean there's something nasty about them that's stopping them from finding mates in the "normal" way, or there might be a perfectly good reason. The ones I found weren't noticably different from the ones I found by other routes. It might be a dangerous thing for a vulnerable person to try, but the same could be said for any kind of dating. Possibly it's more dangerous online because of modern scams.

I did notice that hardly any of the blurbs seemed like they'd be my type, so it was often a slow process like finding a needle in a haystack. It helped me focus on what kind of partner I wanted and what kind I didn't want.


It's true. A lot of dating site members are on a dating site because they're unable to find a mate any other way (or at least have a hard time finding a mate using other methods)

For obvious reasons, a lot of us on the spectrum have a hard time finding a mate.