Hard Time Getting Over a Breakup...

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Descartes
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23 Oct 2022, 5:31 am

I broke up with my boyfriend over four months ago. He was depressed and just in a bad place in his life. He basically told me he loved me, but I deserved better.

We've barely communicated in the four months since we broke up, although we're still friends on Facebook. About a month ago I texted him asking how he was doing, and he replied with a YouTube link to a song called 100 Bad Days. Then last week I asked him if there was a chance we'd ever talk again, but he didn't answer that.

People tell me that I should just let him go and move on, but that's easier said than done. I think being autistic it makes it a lot harder to let go of guys I genuinely loved and had feelings for. I don't know what to do. :cry:


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nick007
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23 Oct 2022, 6:48 am

I relate to this. It's very hard for me to get over breakups & people I've developed feelings for. There may be an OCD component for me but treating my OCD with a med helps my OCD in other ways but has no effect on this. I was very obsessed with my 1st ex till I got in my 2nd relationship 8 years later. I still think about her a bit 20 years later & being in my current relationship for the last 10. We had to breakup because she had issues with drugs & alcohol & I was unstable & suffering from a psychotic depression. Plus our life circumstances prevented us from moving in together for the foreseeable future & being long-distance was extremely difficult for me. I feel like I abandoned her. Perhaps you feel like that about your ex Descartes :? I tried to learn what I could after to hopefully avoid repeat mistakes in future relationships & turn the experience into a positive. My current girlfriend has depression that is very bad at times & I'll admit that sometimes(or lots of times) it can be very difficult for me to handle. There is a limit to how much I can do to help. We really love each other & both feel like the other deserves better but we know that we'd both be lost without each other & it would be extremely difficult for the both of us to find anyone else so we're highly motivated to stick together & try our best to make our relationship work. Plus I know I'd feel very guilty for leaving her; I'm not gonna up & leave a woman when she needs me.

I really wish I had some real advice cuz I know it's extremely difficult for the both of you. You can only really help him if he's willing to let you. He knows you'd try to be there for him & the ball is in his court so to speak. You have to take care of yourself now which I know is a lot easier said than done. Try to enjoy your life how you can. Maybe reach out more to close family & good friends to help fill the void or focus on work or school more or indulge in some hobbies or do some volunteer work. Basically try to live life & try to get out of the funk some. Maybe you'd meet someone in the process. That said, it's understandable & OK for you to feel sad & dwell on this. Don't be too hard on yourself for not moving on. Too much pressure can make things worse. It's like a form of grief, it's gonna take time to deal with it.


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Descartes
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23 Oct 2022, 6:32 pm

nick007 wrote:
I relate to this. It's very hard for me to get over breakups & people I've developed feelings for. There may be an OCD component for me but treating my OCD with a med helps my OCD in other ways but has no effect on this. I was very obsessed with my 1st ex till I got in my 2nd relationship 8 years later. I still think about her a bit 20 years later & being in my current relationship for the last 10. We had to breakup because she had issues with drugs & alcohol & I was unstable & suffering from a psychotic depression. Plus our life circumstances prevented us from moving in together for the foreseeable future & being long-distance was extremely difficult for me. I feel like I abandoned her. Perhaps you feel like that about your ex Descartes :? I tried to learn what I could after to hopefully avoid repeat mistakes in future relationships & turn the experience into a positive. My current girlfriend has depression that is very bad at times & I'll admit that sometimes(or lots of times) it can be very difficult for me to handle. There is a limit to how much I can do to help. We really love each other & both feel like the other deserves better but we know that we'd both be lost without each other & it would be extremely difficult for the both of us to find anyone else so we're highly motivated to stick together & try our best to make our relationship work. Plus I know I'd feel very guilty for leaving her; I'm not gonna up & leave a woman when she needs me.

I really wish I had some real advice cuz I know it's extremely difficult for the both of you. You can only really help him if he's willing to let you. He knows you'd try to be there for him & the ball is in his court so to speak. You have to take care of yourself now which I know is a lot easier said than done. Try to enjoy your life how you can. Maybe reach out more to close family & good friends to help fill the void or focus on work or school more or indulge in some hobbies or do some volunteer work. Basically try to live life & try to get out of the funk some. Maybe you'd meet someone in the process. That said, it's understandable & OK for you to feel sad & dwell on this. Don't be too hard on yourself for not moving on. Too much pressure can make things worse. It's like a form of grief, it's gonna take time to deal with it.


Thanks for your reply!

Yeah, my ex had been struggling with his mental health for months before we broke up. If anything, I feel abandoned by him, which I know is an unfair thing to wonder but it was like, one minute we were okay and the next we weren't. On top of that he told me when we broke up that none of it was my fault, which I believe. Right now it just feels like I'm putting my life on hold waiting for him to come around.


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CockneyRebel
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24 Oct 2022, 1:59 pm

Sweet Pea hugs


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playgroundlover22695
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17 Jan 2023, 9:37 pm

I find this extremely difficult myself as someone with very high functioning ASD. I was almost 19 when I experienced my first breakup and it took me over a year before I felt normal enough to go on with my life. Later on, I dated a guy who was much older than me and he lived with my parents and I. I was never in love with him, but I enjoyed the companionship that he provided me and the fact that it made me forget about my first boyfriend... at least temporarily. Fast forward roughly 4 years and I decided to focus my energy on mentoring a little boy with anxiety and depression. I grew much too attached to him and when he moved to cranston, I felt like my soul was crushed into a million pieces. I questioned my will to live on several occasions. Last August, my best friend of 13 years announced to me that she's getting married, but followed that statement by telling me that it was only to be attended by a few of her closest friends who were in the wedding party (not me). My other friend roughly a month ago told me to my face that it's okay if I die and that if I cry at her funeral, God is going to take all of my family as punishment for my negative feelings. So yeah, I get what you're going through completely. Life sucks and people suck. My first boyfriend was transgender and I tried my absolutely hardest to support his decision of wanted to become a women, but it didn't work because he thought I was insulting him when I said things like "You don't have to become a woman for me to love you because I already love you just the way you are." Being supportive to people with mental illnesses can be extremely taxing on your emotional health. I feel a lot of the time like I'm taxing myself emotionally in order to try and help others with nothing in return.

As for my advice, I would say cry it out as often as you need to. I'm not going to be one of those people who says things like "there's plenty of fish in the sea/I know it's hard now, but trust me, you'll get over it soon/you'll meet someone else soon/he's just a jerk who doesn't know what he's missing" etc. because the truth is, those generic lines aren't going to make you feel any better. The truth is that your heart is going to take a very long time to heal. It's different for everyone. It could take months or years before you're over this guy. You just need to know that at the end of the day, you have a nice warm bed to lay down in and plenty of time to cry your heart out as often as you need to until you feel better. I'm truly sorry your heart is aching right now and my thoughts are with you. :(



superboyian
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25 Jan 2023, 7:59 pm

Descartes wrote:
I broke up with my boyfriend over four months ago. He was depressed and just in a bad place in his life. He basically told me he loved me, but I deserved better.

We've barely communicated in the four months since we broke up, although we're still friends on Facebook. About a month ago I texted him asking how he was doing, and he replied with a YouTube link to a song called 100 Bad Days. Then last week I asked him if there was a chance we'd ever talk again, but he didn't answer that.

People tell me that I should just let him go and move on, but that's easier said than done. I think being autistic it makes it a lot harder to let go of guys I genuinely loved and had feelings for. I don't know what to do. :cry:


Hey, really sorry to hear what's been going on. The impression I'm getting out of it is that he broke up with you because he didn't want you to feel like he's a burden especially with the mental health. I honestly would have been the same and would rather people not put up or deal with me in that way.

It's harder to let go when you've had a connection for so long. Even harder if it has been a good couple of years.

I'd focus on the single life if it has to be that way and allow yourself time for self healing, focus on the things that you want to pursue or something that makes you happy. Find a hobby or continue doing those hobbies.

Hope things getting better with time.


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