How I (39M) got married to a long shot 8 years ago

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stratozyck
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14 Nov 2022, 10:47 pm

My purpose of telling this story is to convince those worried about romance to play the long game. Also, despite what the title says, do not fixate on a person. I ended up with my "dream girl" but luck had a lot to do with it.

The year is 2006. I had just moved back home from college and was working as a... pizza delivery driver. Yay. I had a college degree and was delivering pizzas. It was a very depressing time. I lost an older brother a few years earlier and that really took the air out of my early 20s. I was bitter that life took him away at that time and as a result I didn't do my best at the time when you are judged by society on your worth (18-22).

I was active on MySpace and browsed it and found a girl who was a graduate student in astrophysics at a local college. I messaged her and said I was writing a sci fi novel and wanted to talk to her about space. It was sortof true in that I did have a few chapters written at the time so it was not a complete lie. However, I really did not need to talk to her about it as it had nothing to do with space.

Anyways, so we meet at a Ruby Tuesdays for lunch and she talks a lot about space and I forget what the rest of it went. I remember when I left, she got up and I first noticed how short she was/is. I thought she was cute and nerdy, but she was engaged to a guy who lived in another state that she went to undergrad with.

I kept up chatting on instant messenger (AIM) but didn't really push it. She invited me to her birthday party that year and it was there that I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I was depressed that I was going to her birthday party even though I knew she was taken so I ended up sleeping with one of her friends. I broke it off immediately and it really hurt her. To this day, it is one of the worst things I've ever done and I still feel bad about it.

Anyways, we kept chatting and actually talked a lot on AIM. I learned more and more about her fiance and came to realize he never visited her. To me, this meant he wasn't that into her. So, while I didn't pursue her I thought to myself, "I don't think hes going to marry her."

Eventually, she told me that he had not actually proposed to her just agreed to marry in principle. I definitely thought "there will be a chance someday."

However, I did not wait around for her. I had other crushes and girls I pursued (and failed to get). However, I definitely thought she was the type of woman I wanted to end up with.

At that time in my life - delivering pizzas - I didn't think that would happen.

So I decided to go back for a graduate degree. I decided to go for a PhD in part to try to impress a woman like her.

Right around the time I left to go, she told me she was going to change graduate schools to be closer to her fiance and she was moving. I wrote her a note that I was "not going to talk to her anymore" because I couldn't bear to see her move to be with a guy that couldn't be bothered to visit her once over 3 years.

So when I went to graduate school in 2009, I went with the mindset of "I am going to better myself, so I can end up with someone like her, but not her." I had made my peace with it and the person I wanted to become wouldn't waste time with that situation. I more or less forgot about her for about two years.

In 2011, I contacted her to see how she was doing and she didn't say much. I didn't push it. Eventually she told me that he had in fact ended it. She kept saying how it was destiny they were going to marry still. So, she was still very much into him.

I did eventually graduate, WITH A PHD!! Yeah, it was the worst experience of my life. I would not recommend and the job I have now I could have gotten with a masters.

After I moved to get my first real job, she said she wanted to visit me. I was surprised she saw our friendship as that important but she said over the years I've been her best friend.

She came to visit and we played tourist in my city for a few days over a 3 day weekend. She slept on my couch and then went back.

After she went back, it was like 2-3 days later I told her I wanted to visit her. She said she felt a spark, we got along so well, etc, but said she was still into her ex - despite it being 3 years!

I went to visit her in her state (where she moved to be with him). I slept on the couch and it was a pretty bad visit. I tried to kiss her and she rejected me.

I had second thoughts about the whole thing at that moment. But she came to visit me again and I got success right as she was leaving.

About two weeks later I told her I was going to buy her a ring, and I knew given her experience how much it'd mean for a guy to actually do it. So I did, and we got married a few months later.

We got 4 kids now and the story seems so silly now. Total time from meeting her to proposing was about 7 years, till marriage it was closer to 7.5 years.

It boggles my mind that I met her in 2006 and it seemed like such a long shot.



MaxE
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15 Nov 2022, 9:38 am

Most people post here looking for advice, so this post might not get a lot of attention. I want to thank you for posting this, it was lovely to read. As for myself, I got engaged to my wife when I was 32 and she was 27, about 2 months after we met. We are still together after 37 years. Prior to that I mostly just "dated" anybody who satisfied a minimal standard of attractiveness and would have sex with me, although around the age of 30 I did develop some degree of self-control. A couple of those relationships became long-term and ended to a large extent because my parents disapproved, although ironically those relationships would have probably failed eventually even had I ignored my parents' wishes.


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stratozyck
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15 Nov 2022, 4:24 pm

MaxE wrote:
Most people post here looking for advice, so this post might not get a lot of attention. I want to thank you for posting this, it was lovely to read. As for myself, I got engaged to my wife when I was 32 and she was 27, about 2 months after we met. We are still together after 37 years. Prior to that I mostly just "dated" anybody who satisfied a minimal standard of attractiveness and would have sex with me, although around the age of 30 I did develop some degree of self-control. A couple of those relationships became long-term and ended to a large extent because my parents disapproved, although ironically those relationships would have probably failed eventually even had I ignored my parents' wishes.


Yes I totally get what you mean. I didn't date at all for a while but I was definitely susceptible to someone who showed me attention even if I wasn't attracted to them.

I wrote it to make myself feel better as it gets pretty stressful with 4 kids. I have to stop every now and then and remember how and why I got here.

Sometimes it can definitely have a "why did I want this?" feel when you are cleaning poop smeared over a wall for the third time in a week.



old_comedywriter
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15 Nov 2022, 4:45 pm

Wow, Philip J Fry, you sure pulled out a win after the two minute warning.

I was married for 34 years, raised 3 daughters and a granddaughter, all after never dating in high school.

Sometimes the inconceivable does happen.


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blazingstar
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15 Nov 2022, 7:43 pm

Thank you for posting your wonderful love story.


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Juliette
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15 Nov 2022, 8:20 pm

Thanks for sharing your story. So happy to read that you “got the girl” and that she has found a genuine man in you, unlike her previous pseudo fiance. Congrats on the 4 children! As challenging as those child rearing days can be, it can be so worth it to remind yourselves, that this chapter of your lives is just that, one chapter. Eventually, it’ll be just the two of you, once again. Meanwhile, I hope you maintain “date nights” or at least some time exclusively for yourselves, regularly. All the best!