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firemonkey
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04 Dec 2022, 6:15 am

I’ve always been quite,but not totally,asocial. I’ve always had difficulty making friends, a situation that’s not helped by substantial difficulty initiating a conversation. The bullying I was subjected to has also had a bad effect. A bad effect in that I’ll self sabotage things if I sense a person getting too close to me. That’s because I feel that the more people get to know about me, the more I’m likely to be rejected. Better to reject than be rejected.



timf
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04 Dec 2022, 9:12 am

Up until 100 years ago most people lived and died in the towns in which they were born. Larger families resulted in one's friends usually being siblings and cousins.

Society today is built on mobility, and communication technology. In addition to the fragmentation and shrinkage of families, having to make connections with others who are strangers is not something common in human history.

It is difficult enough getting to the level of acquaintance, making a real friend can be difficult. Doing so with an unusual neurology can seem impossible.

I wouldn't suggest self-rejection. Rather embrace rejection as it saves a lot of time. If you can only be compatible with 1% of the population, you may find being able to quickly go through 99 an advantage.

If you are worried about someone saying something that hurts you, you might consider the response, "Please don't push me with unkind words. My parole officer said that even if I just kill only one more person, I could go back to prison".



firemonkey
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04 Dec 2022, 10:03 am

May be wrong, but that last bit made me chuckle.



ToughDiamond
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04 Dec 2022, 12:12 pm

Yes I think I have a strong fear of rejection and abandonment, and that I cope with it by not asking for company unless I'm highly confident that it's safe to do so. I'm much more reactive than proactive, e.g. if somebody sticks their neck out first and makes a warm overture towards me, then if I like them I might well reciprocate with twice their intensity. If somebody writes to me I nearly always reply, but if they break the chain of reciprocation then I don't usually write again. Nobody can push me away because I don't approach them in the first place. I see all this as a somewhat flawed way of operating, so occasionally I act out of character. That has often worked surprisingly well but I always seem to revert to type.

Sometimes I wonder whether my motive for this "aloof" behaviour is simply fear of rejection though. I'm pretty sure it's at least part of it, because I'm often aware of thinking "can't reach out to them, they might rebuff that," but we often don't know everything about why we behave the way we do.



Edna3362
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04 Dec 2022, 6:59 pm

I reason why I reject wasn't a possible rejection, but because "if we cannot sync, they cannot get it, why bother?"

Average layman people wouldn't understand my predicaments, my questions and what I'd rather talk about.

I have to be not very specific, had to cut off so many details to a point it blurs for me.
I have to translate to their terms -- where the first statements, taken literally, may or may not be offensive.

Only to explore layers that it can be to whatever context I find myself in.
I cannot talk to people without ever seemingly like I accuse them of something -- of them seemingly accuse me of something.

I have to keep reminding myself -- their beliefs and the religion that I don't wholeheartedly believe, their sense of self that I do not match or relate, what is valuable and sacred to their eyes which isn't for me...

Their "world" where there isn't much effort or things to think about the 'simplest' of things to manage -- the so called common sense, the so called them and us, the so called 'place' in a social hierarchy and relationships, their apparent numbness to the cacophony of noise, their ignorance.

I'm not afraid of getting rejected.
Because I understand the possible frustrations in their part of having to work with me -- most people do not try to relate the way I had to with others.

And when they do try, they'd fall in pits head first -- they will feel stupid, they will feel rejected themselves, they will feel offended, and they will certainly feel like being accused of something they've ignorantly done.

I try my best to save them from that by keeping it simple -- but it meant nothing goes deeper.


I'm just so sick and tired of people just not getting it, just as I'm sick of having to use words with little to no choice in the matter.
It's one thing to just plow the whole thing over without the fear of rejection.

But was it worth the effort? I'm asocial -- no 'motives' other than just no social drive to speak of -- so I just try when I'm bored and trying harder when it's usually not for me.

I reject people because I'm tired and frustrated of humanity, with their needs and wants.
They ain't all infants and toddlers, and I cannot cater every inner child within a fully grown adult when I could barely handle mine.


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