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whitetiger
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08 Mar 2009, 12:31 am

In November, my aspie BF spent so much time on the pc playing chess that I had a massive meltdown. He couldn't handle it and he left. Now, in March, he accuses ME of spending too much time on the pc and he says HE feels neglected. I don't get it.

Every criticism he has of me, he has done himself. There was a time when my finances were stretched to the limit because of him, and another time (recently) where his finances were stretched because of me.

I don't understand the complaining.

Yeah, I guess I must know how he feels. I just don't think he really understands how he does it too.

For example, he told me he wanted attention, so I lay down in bed with him. He fell asleep, so now I am back on the computer. I just don't get it!

Another thing is that I let my zoloft and klonopin prescriptions run out and I became a complete and total b***h towards him yesterday. I apologized and he understood, definitely. But, when he is around, my cute apartment becomes a pig sty that I can hardly stand to live in. I don't want to b***h all the time, but I can't take it.

He was feeling so neglected that he wanted to go back to his place tonight, but it was too cold for him to want to walk. He wasn't feeling well, so I walked to the store to get him his favorite soda, cooked him his favorite meal, tried to give him "attention" and he was still complaining.

I guess one day we'll get all this together. It's so hard to balance our extreme needs to be alone with our need for partnership too.

We did have a very good, happy week until I ran out of my meds.


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Learning2Survive
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08 Mar 2009, 12:34 am

this is what all relationships are like. it's normal :)
does your bf play chess on Yahoo? what is his rating? PAY LOTS OF ATTENTION TO HIS CHESS RATING. WORSHIP IT.
when he has a winning streak in chess, unpredictably give him a certain umm surprise, but let him know that's it's to reward him for the chess games he won.



whitetiger
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08 Mar 2009, 12:39 am

I do worship his rating. He's above 2100 on ICC. I even went with him to a blitz tournament today. He gets mad when I won't stay up with him, but tonight he was asleep by about 8:30. It just seems so unfair!


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Learning2Survive
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08 Mar 2009, 12:45 am

wow. you are good! very good! but no matter how good you are, every couple has the problems you are having in the relationship. it's totally normal. to me it sounds like you and your bf are spending a great deal of time together. maybe you guys need some alone time to recharge?

p.s. what the he** do i know - it's not like i've ever been in a relationship...



Orbyss
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08 Mar 2009, 12:58 am

Quote:
For example, he told me he wanted attention, so I lay down in bed with him. He fell asleep, so now I am back on the computer. I just don't get it!


Hahahah, I'm sorry, but this really made me laugh. I am totally, completely with you on that one. Been there, done that. Yeah, it's frustrating sometimes, especially since he's complaining. But I also know my boyfriend(s) like to lie, cuddle and fall asleep with me, so I don't mind. Is it possible he just really likes to fall asleep with you there? Thinking of it that way, isn't it kind of sweet?

Boyfriends are frustrating creatures, this we all know by now; coexistence is a struggle, but it makes it all worth it when you remind yourself what you're in it for, and what you can give yourself. I've found changing for my boyfriend recently to be a very positive thing that I hadn't realized before, and it took me a long time to let my guard down enough to do it, but I feel healthier for doing so. Maybe you guys can work out something similar, since relationships are all about compromise with love.



EnglishLulu
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08 Mar 2009, 2:43 am

Instead of waiting until one or other of you feels disgruntled and neglected, why don't you tell each other what your needs are, and negotiate a compromise? Like turning off the computer by a certain time, even if it's in the middle of a game, or if that's unacceptable, maybe not starting a new game after 8 or 9 or 11pm or whatever?

And maybe compromise on tidyness, like maybe if you go to his place, you live by his rules, and you can't complain about untidyness, but when he comes to your place, he has to put his soda cans in the [recycling] bin, and has to leave his clothes in a tidy pile or hang them up and not leave them on the floor, and stuff like that?

As for his complaining when he wasn't feeling well, that isn't just an Aspie thing, that's a generic male thing, they have the slightest cold and they're 'dying' with flu! :roll: Just give him lots of TLC and expect him to whinge and whine till he feels better regardless of how much attention you give him.



whitetiger
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08 Mar 2009, 10:04 am

I think you're all right about the need for communication and compromise. Maybe we should tell each other as soon as we meet (or when we're on the phone discussing getting together) what we both feel we need, and work it out somehow.

It's his birthday today and he's in a mood to be alone. I hope he decides to spend some of it with me.

We both have AS and it is amazing the situations we run into!


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ToadOfSteel
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08 Mar 2009, 10:33 am

whitetiger wrote:
Every criticism he has of me, he has done himself. There was a time when my finances were stretched to the limit because of him, and another time (recently) where his finances were stretched because of me.

Sometimes, an aspie doesn't know when he's being hypocritical... try telling him when he does so once or twice (be blunt, but not overemotional about it)... If he stops (or at least makes a sincere effort to stop) said behavior, then it was a misunderstanding. If not, then he is being deliberately inconsiderate about your feelings...

Quote:
For example, he told me he wanted attention, so I lay down in bed with him. He fell asleep, so now I am back on the computer. I just don't get it!

Just because an aspie wants you to lay down with him in bed doesn't necessarily mean he wants sex. Many aspies enjoy the idea of falling asleep arm-in-arm with a significant partner (either the idea or the experience, depending on whether the aspie is single or not), so just by lying down with him, you gave him the attention he wanted...



whitetiger
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08 Mar 2009, 3:00 pm

Well thanks all who commented.

Today is BF's birthday. He is coming over at 6:30 and I am making dinner for him. I promised him I would be off the computer all night. It will be difficult, but I need to give him this gift.


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I am a very strange female.

http://www.youtube.com/user/whitetigerdream

Don't take life so seriously. It isn't permanent!